Monday, December 22, 2008

Changing Our Brains: What Neuroscience Teaches Us

Are our brains changeable? What occurs in the mind when we learn? How do experiences impact our brain? With the help of modern science, we’ve found the answers to some of these questions - and the answers have amazing implications for our interpersonal relationships. Neuroscience illustrates how our brains learn the things that our parents teach us and how the behavior that they model impacts our thought processes and reactions. The physiological effects that emotional experiences and attachment (the ability of a loved one to perceive and respond to our emotions) have on the brain are apparent. We can actually see how our mental processes are shaped by our experiences. In fact, according to Daniel J. Siegel, author of The Developing Mind, “Human connections shape the neural connections from which the mind emerges.” In addition, scientists have discovered that our brains are changeable at any age. This means that we have the ability to reshape our mental processes and replace unhealthy reactions or bad habits with new, healthier behaviors at any point in our lives.
Science uses brain imaging and electroencephalograms (EEG’s) to examine activity between neurons in the brain. Neurons are cells that send and receive electro-chemical signals to and from the brain and nervous system. These signals transmit information. Thus, the mind is created out of the physical form of neurons transmitting these signals. Each neuron has an average of ten thousand connections that link it directly to other neurons. The neurons send out electrical impulses that release neurotransmitters. The neurotransmitters travel through the spaces between neurons (synapses), to other neurons, activating them. As one neuron affects another and another, pathways are created. The information we have gleaned from our experiences activates certain pathways between neurons. When we have repeated experiences, certain pathways are strengthened and the brain becomes conditioned to use these pathways again. This increases the probability that when one specific neuron is fired it will send a neurotransmitter to a certain other neuron. In turn, the probability is increased that when we experience one event or emotion, we will then react with a certain behavior. However, when we have new and different experiences, different pathways are activated. As these experiences are repeated, the brain activity shifts and this new pathway becomes the one most likely to be used. In this way, our experiences shape the activity in our brains. And because science can now measure neuronal activity, we are able to see that our brains are capable of changing throughout our lifetime.
Let’s look at an example of this. A young child gains information about the world and relationships through his or her experiences. We now know that this directly impacts the brain. Imagine a young boy named Rob who, like all of us, looks to his parents for love and attention. However, Rob’s parents don’t respond to him. In fact, Rob is largely ignored by his parents. In order to get their attention, Rob tries more dramatic behavior: being naughty. This gets his parent’s attention, but it is negative attention in the form of scolding, shaming, and punishment. So, inside Rob’s brain, pathways between wanting attention and misbehaving are activated. Because this happens repeatedly, these pathways become deeply ingrained. Rob grows up with a physiological ‘connection’ in his brain between getting attention and misbehaving. You can imagine how this shows up in his life when he’s a teen!
The good news, now supported by neuroscience, is that our brain is changeable and new connections can be formed in the brain. Fortunately for Rob, he becomes involved in a relationship with a person whose brain has a connection between wanting attention and getting it in healthy ways (asking for it, being loving to elicit it, et cetera). Rob finds that when he uses these healthy ways, he gets the attention he craves. As a result, the old neuronal pathway becomes ‘pruned’ and a new one is created. Over time, this new pathway becomes ingrained and the more probable one the brain will use when Rob has a need for attention. Not only did he change his behavior and learn to do things differently, but his brain has changed as well.
Just as Rob changed his behavior and neuronal pathways, you can too. Neuroscience supports the theory that you can learn new behaviors, break habits and find new ways of interacting to get what you need. This holds true in your personal life, friendships, work relationships and your marriage. As it did in Rob’s relationship, your relationship or marriage can actually help heal you. So can working with a therapist you trust. Together, you can introduce new, healthier behaviors and reinforce new pathways in your brain. You are not destined to keep repeating old patterns. You have the ability to change so that you can live the life you deserve and have the close, loving relationship that you desire.

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Successful Marriage: Together Out of Love, Not Insecurity

What do some couples have that other couples don’t? Successful couples are together out of love. They enjoy being with each other. They genuinely like spending time with their spouse. They may do some activities together that they both enjoy. They may feel safe and secure when their spouse is around. They may look forward to being intimate and sexual with each other. They may like talking and listening to one another.
Most relationships start in Romantic Love. In this first stage, couples come together because they are in love and because they love being with this person. Yet, even then, they were together because of how the other made them feel. This new boyfriend or girlfriend made them feel loved, cherished, desired, elated, and ecstatic. Other feelings were alleviated or disappeared: loneliness, isolation, feeling unloved, unwanted, or afraid. In this stage, we are not only in love with our new partner, we are in love with how we feel.
As I’ve written about before, Romantic Love fades and all relationships move into the next stage. Imago Relationship Therapy calls the next stage the Power Struggle. Here, the high of being in love has worn off. The couple has their first fight or begins to feel some of those difficult feelings again: loneliness, isolation, unloved, unwanted, and/or afraid. Each person’s old defenses come back and each person may react by blaming, shaming or criticizing or with silence or withdrawal. Couples who choose to explore what these conflicts are about move into the next several stages: Re-Commitment, Doing the Work, Awakening, and Real Love. These are couples who stay together because of love.
Other couples remain in the Power Struggle. These couples are together, in part, to alleviate their own insecurities. Even though the relationship they’re in is incredibly difficult at times, this feels preferable to feelings connected to insecurity: fear, loneliness, isolation, powerlessness, and shame. This can show up in a number of ways. Perhaps your spouse provides financially, so you remain to avoid the fear of being poor and deprived. Perhaps your partner cares for you by keeping the house or preparing the meals, so you remain to avoid having to learn to do these things for yourself. Perhaps your concerned that family or friends or your community would frown on divorce, so you stay in the marriage to avoid feeling ashamed. Perhaps you feel physically safe living with someone, so you stay to avoid living alone and fearing for your safety. Perhaps you like having a sexual partner, so you stay to avoid having no rewarding sexual outlet or to avoid dating again. Perhaps your spouse brings you social status, so you stay to avoid isolation or anonymity.
Are you in your relationship, in part, to avoid feeling these things? If you ended the relationship would you feel ashamed, lonely, afraid, or uncared for? If you entered couples therapy and were willing to explore these conflicts with your spouse, would you feel scared of, vulnerable in front of, and/or angry with your spouse?
As the gifted therapist Chloe Madanes wrote, “The couple has to make the shift from wanting to be together because it helps each partner with their difficulties to wanting to be together because they enjoy one another.” Couples therapy helps couples shift from being together out of their own insecurities to being together out of love. Couples therapy is a chance to explore what you are concerned or insecure about. Many couples find that just saying out loud what their concern is alleviates its intensity. It just doesn’t sound as bad as they told themselves it would be. Plus, by saying it aloud, the concern comes into your conscious awareness where it can be effectively dealt with. Each person then moves to finding a way to take care of themselves or rely on others, not only the spouse, to get this concern met. This process, together with another important feature of Imago Relationship Therapy: increasing fun and appreciation, shifts couples to being together because they genuinely like begin with one another. Enjoying one another is an important feature of a successful marriage.

Thursday, August 14, 2008

Don’t be Misled By the Stuff in Your Head

Have you ever heard the quote “When you assume, you make an ‘ass’ out of ‘u’ and ‘me’”? When I first heard this, I cracked up because I knew it was true. We all have a tendency to let our imaginations take over as we invent stories and explanations for other people’s behavior. While the basis for these imaginings is founded in the reality of what we actually saw or heard, our assumptions are not always entirely correct. In fact, many times these assumptions get us into a lot of difficulty that could otherwise be avoided. When we let conjectures and speculation go unchecked in our personal lives, they can grow bigger and affect how we are feeling. Grudges, resentments, and misunderstandings build and build until relationships feel strained beyond repair.
It might start with a small comment. For example, imagine that your neighbor says to you, “Thanks for asking me over for pizza. Not this week. Maybe some other time.” You may take it to mean your neighbor doesn’t really want to be with you and is putting you off. Then later when you talked to her she may have said, “You have a big dog and she scares me. I’m embarrassed about that and didn’t want to tell you.” In this case, your initial assumption (that she was putting you off) was way off the mark. Unfortunately, instead of clarifying the situation immediately, you spent time needlessly worrying whether you had inadvertently offended your neighbor or whether she just didn’t like you.
In order to avoid this type of miscommunication, it’s important that you stop yourself before your mind takes over the situation. Pay attention to the thoughts you are having and consider whether they are based in reality or whether they are speculations colored by your emotions. Recognize that your interpretation of things is just one meaning. Assumptions are just one meaning: yours. Perhaps the person had a completely different reason for saying or doing what they did. Tell someone you trust, such as your therapist, a friend, or your spouse about what it is that your are assuming. Talking to one of these individuals will show you that there are different possible meanings to what was said. Ideally, though, the best way to get the truth is to talk to the person directly by saying, “When you did/said that, I took it to mean… Is that what you meant?” You won’t know for certain unless you ask. Although it may be challenging at times, the gold hidden here is the chance for a deeper, more real, relationship with that person. And that’s worth trying for.

Monday, July 28, 2008

Angry Feelings: What to Do When They’re Aimed At Your Therapist

Have you ever felt anger or irritation toward your therapist? Anger is a strong emotion that can arise anytime you interact with someone. Although it is normal and common to feel angry, you might be surprised when angry feelings are directed at your therapist. The anger may have been caused by something your therapist did or said. It may have been caused by something your therapist failed to do or say. Whatever its cause, you may wonder how to handle it. If this has happened to you, how did you react? Did you keep silent about it, telling yourself that you were being silly? Did you fail to speak up for fear of upsetting him/her? Maybe you mentioned your feelings in a roundabout way with a small or sarcastic comment. Perhaps you missed your next session for one reason or another, left therapy suddenly or without saying goodbye. Maybe you even told your therapist that you felt angry with him/her.
How you react to your anger is often connected to how it was expressed in your family growing up. Were you told, either with words or indirectly, that it’s okay to be angry? Or did your parents say, ‘don’t be silly,’ ‘grow up,’ or ‘get over it’ when you felt upset? Maybe your parents never showed their anger. Or perhaps they always showed it with violence or yelling. Either way, the overt or covert messages you got during childhood are often evident in how you handle your anger today. If anger was discouraged, or a very negative experience, it may be difficult for you to show your anger now. In addition, it may be difficult for you to even be aware of your anger at all.
Therapy is designed so that your therapist is a safe person with whom you can talk about all that you are experiencing. And yes, sometimes what you experience includes anger at your therapist. It’s okay to express this anger during therapy sessions. The danger if you don’t is you may end up feeling resentment toward someone you used to feel cared for by. If you are hesitant to share your anger in therapy, begin by asking yourself, ‘what am I concerned will happen?’ Then, when you decide to tell your therapist about your anger/irritation, start by stating this concern. Through this process, you will learn a new, safe way to express anger with your therapist, and with others in your life. You will come to see that both you and your therapist can tolerate your anger, and that you can remain connected through all that you experience together.

Monday, July 21, 2008

Open to Love: Freeing Yourself From Being Protected, yet Isolated

Let me tell you a story I heard from a gifted Imago therapist and trainer named Maya Kollman. The story is about a woman who loves walking on the beach. The woman’s bare feet sink into the warm sand with each step. Without shoes, she feels free and natural. The woman walks like this every day, until she steps on a sharp shell and cuts her foot. The woman is surprised. Her foot is bleeding and it hurts. The next time she walks on the beach, she wears flip-flops to protect her feet from shells. After several days, the side of her foot brushes against a beached jellyfish. The woman’s foot stings and itches. So, the next time she walks on the beach the woman wears sneakers. This works for several days, until the woman stubs her toe on the rocks of the jetty. Frustrated, the woman decides to wear boots for her walks on the sand. She has been hurt so many times and she has finally found a way to keep her feet safe. However, the woman has become so concerned with protecting her feet that she has lost the wonderful experience of feeling the sand beneath her feet and between her toes. She misses feeling the texture, coarse and dry or silky and cool, and she misses feeling the connection to nature.

As we walk through life, both joy and hurt are part of the journey. Yet, it is our natural reaction to pull away from the things that hurt us, whether they are physical or emotional. Although it is extremely scary to be vulnerable to these hurts, the alternative is even worse: isolation. While others can’t hurt us when we isolate ourselves, we also cannot receive love and caring. This is a profound conundrum. Our hearts are protected, but they are also closed to love. And what greater pleasure is there on this journey than to love and be loved? As M. Scott Peck says, to love is to be fully invested in the spiritual growth of another. How divine to love and to be loved in this way! It is exquisite.

So, how do we live with this paradox? We must open our hearts by carefully choosing a person who feels safe. If this person is your spouse, how wonderful! It is important to realize, though, that the person who feels safe may not be your spouse at first. This may surprise you, especially coming from a marriage counselor. However, if your marriage has a history of many hurts that have not yet been talked about and worked through, your partner may not feel like a safe person. You might feel safer being open with your therapist or a trusted friend. This first experience will teach you what it feels like to be open. Through this experiment, you can come to know in your heart that you can be open, survive it, and even relish it. After that, you can begin to open your heart to your spouse.

It is important to recognize that there will be hurt sometimes, even with someone who is safe and even with your spouse. This is because the other person is human, too, makes mistakes and has faults of his or her own. He or she may unintentionally do or say something hurtful. When this happens, and it will, allow yourself to feel the hurt and to talk about it with him or her. Part of a close relationship is being able to discuss everything that happens between you. If you both feel heard and understood, talking about a hurt can move the relationship or marriage even closer. Only then, with openness and vulnerability, can love grow in your marriage. As humans, we need one another. We need to love and to be loved. By opening yourself to love, you will feel the divine joy that you deserve.

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

The Dark Thoughts of Parenting

As a parent, have you ever had thoughts about harming your children and then immediately wondered, “What kind of parent would think that?”  The kind of thoughts I’m referring to are imagining being aggressive toward your children, demeaning to them, being violent or sexual with them, or hurting them in some other way.  Since having negative or “bad” thoughts like this is rarely talked about, having these thoughts can make you feel scared and alone.  If you look at most depictions of “good” parenting in the media, you’ll see that “good” parents always look loving, calm, and giving.  We are sent an underlying message that it’s only the “bad” parents who would think these things.  In reality, having these thoughts and feelings is a normal experience that happens in almost all parents.  
Now, I want to make a clear distinction here between the thought and the action: thinking is different from doing.  Although many of these thoughts are normal and common, to act them out is never okay.  It is never appropriate to be sexual with or intentionally hurtful toward your children.  In addition, preoccupation with these feelings (i.e. having them most days or for long periods of time without relief) can be a sign of post partum depression and should lead a person to consult a physician or mental health professional.  
Simply having these dark thoughts as a parent, and as a human being, however, is part of the experience.  We each have the capacity for both good and evil inside of ourselves. Thankfully, we’re also endowed with the ability to be conscious of our thoughts, to control our actions, and to manage our feelings.  Being conscious, in this case, is about noticing your feelings when these thoughts come to mind.  Are you experiencing stress, anger, exhaustion, worry or loneliness?  The best way you can help yourself with these thoughts and feelings is to share them with your therapist, your spouse, or a trusted friend.  They can support you and help keep you in control so that, in spite of having the occasional “bad” thought, you continue to act as a loving parent.

Monday, June 16, 2008

Taking Care of Yourself: Why You Should Look Out for Number One

Take the time to care for yourself. To many people, this sounds unimportant and selfish. In our culture and in some religions, caring for OTHERS is what is esteemed and virtuous. As a result, we often neglect to care for ourselves the way we should. Caring for ourselves, however, IS important. In fact, we can’t properly care for others until we’re taking good care of ourselves.
There are probably many ways that you care for others and leave yourself last. For example, do you spend your vacations visiting family members when you really long to go on your dream vacation? Maybe you cart your kids to their activities all week long without even carving out one hour for yourself. Perhaps you are in the sandwich generation: taking care of both your aging parents and your young children. Give it some thought. Do you cook delicious meals for others but, when it’s just you, eat cereal for dinner, or nothing at all? Do you take your kids on fun outings but can’t remember the last time you had a date with your spouse or went out with friends? Maybe you spend money on family members and not yourself. Perhaps you find yourself doing things that others want you to do even when you really don’t want to do them. Do you frequently get sick or injured while caring for others? If so, you are probably not taking care of yourself the way you should be.
Think about whether there are ways you could be taking even BETTER care of yourself. Maybe you exercise, which is a great way to care for yourself, without making time to stretch. Perhaps you don’t see the doctor or dentist regularly because you feel fine or because you’re afraid to go. Do you eat non-nutritious foods because you think you can’t cook or don’t have the time? Is your home messy and disorganized? Are you failing to save and invest a percentage of your income? Maybe you’ve always wanted to begin therapy or working with a coach for your own healing and growth but never made the time or took the first steps. Perhaps you’ve even stopped doing things that used to bring you joy, excitement, and relaxation.
Underneath these behaviors are probably things you tell yourself in your head. Things like, “I’m selfish to want these things,” or “I’d be a bad mother/father if I did things for myself.” Maybe you think, “These things aren’t important”, and “I don’t have the time to take care of myself.” On a deeper level you may believe, “I don’t deserve it,” or “I’m not important enough to have these things.” Children are not born with these beliefs that their own needs and wants aren’t important. They pick up these messages from their caregivers, society, or religion. If you watch children play and experience the world, you can see that they want what they want and they love having fun. They are unafraid to fulfill their own needs and desires.
One of the benefits of therapy is that it gives you the chance to look at what you tell yourself and where you got that belief. Once you’ve identified these things, you can ask yourself: is this belief working FOR ME or is it working AGAINST ME? In our work together, clients discover that they ARE worth taking care of, that they deserve things for themselves, and that they are important enough to have fun, excitement, and leisure in their lives. In fact, the people you are busy caring for NEED you to take better care of yourself. Those you care for, especially your children, learn by watching you. They’re noticing whether you are joyful, excited, or relaxed and what you do to feel that way, just as they are noticing how you care for others. The people you care for need you to take better care of yourself so that you can, in turn, continue to take care of them. Without taking care of yourself, eventually, you will have very little to give to those you love and may even become sick or injured and physically cannot care for them. It is crucial that you take care of yourself FIRST.


Monday, May 19, 2008

The Things We Do For Love

What do you do to get others to like you? How about to get others to love you? We all want to feel loved, so we do certain things, or act certain ways, to try to ensure that. And, even as you are doing these things to be liked or loved, do you have doubts about the way others feel about you? If someone says ‘no’, rejects something you’ve offered, or gets angry with you, do you worry that they don’t, or won’t, like you? Feeling worried about this is common. And, because we’re reluctant to admit it, most of us don’t talk about it and wind up feeling isolated on top of feeling worried!
Many of us find that we do things just to increase our chances of being liked by others. This is a habit that often develops in early childhood. As children, we quickly figured out what to do or say in order to get our parents’ praise and attention and to avoid their anger and disapproval. For example, if, as a child, you could tell that your parents liked it when you were talkative and humorous, you may act that way now to get love and attention. If your parents prepared food to comfort you, you may have learned how to cook to comfort others. If your parents praised you when you were polite and compliant or when you acted tough, you may find that those behaviors dominate your demeanor now. If your parents disliked your crying, you may have learned to swallow your tears and rarely cry. If your parents disliked seeing you exuberant and bouncing, you may have learned to keep your body still.
What you learned in childhood about how to get love is still likely to be the way you seek love as an adult. And while these behaviors may not be getting you the deep love you need, you keep doing them because that’s all you know how to do. They can be extreme or moderate. You may dominate every conversation or keep quiet as a mouse. Perhaps you sexualize most relationships or avoid your sexuality altogether. Maybe you cry all the time or maybe you’ve only cried a few times your whole life. Maybe you always feel angry or you avoid anger and confrontation. Maybe you control everyone or you allow others to control you. Maybe you buy gifts and are always ‘doing’ for others or maybe you think only of yourself. If you have ever been a client in therapy, you may even have noticed yourself doing, or trying to do, these same behaviors with your therapist. As a therapist, I can help you see which behaviors are not getting you the love you need.
All these behaviors, and more, are okay at times. It is when these behaviors are used solely as a means to be liked or loved that they can be unfulfilling. And when you use these behaviors to get others to like and love you, you are reenacting your relationship with your parents. This actually limits your chances of being liked and loved by others because they are not your parents. The people who you have relationships with now, like and dislike different things from your parents. Yet, you continue acting the same way you did with your parents. This is because, when you are afraid you are not getting the love you need, your unconscious treats everyone as if they are your parent(s). And, boy, is this true with how you behave with your spouse when this same fear shows up!
Doing these old behaviors also limits your chances of being loved in the present because when you act this way, you are not who you really are. So, if you don’t get the love you want by doing or being what others want, and if the behaviors you learned in childhood are unfulfilling now, how do you get love? You get love by being yourself. You feel loved and cherished when you show someone your true self and they react by continuing to care about you. Although this may sound simple, it can be quite daunting. Think back; have you ever avoided doing or saying what you really think out of fear that you would get a negative reaction? What might it be like to be yourself with someone you can verbalize your true desires, fears, opinions, and hurts to? With a safe person, you can experiment with new behaviors rather than using the same behaviors from your past. When you do something different with a safe person, you can see what the outcome really is, which is often different from what you feared it would be. A good therapist can provide this accepting relationship and a place to try new, more fulfilling behaviors. With your therapist, you will be cared for even when you say what is really on your mind. You will still be accepted and cared for even when you do the opposite of what you’ve been doing for years. This is a healing relationship where your true self can show up. Your marriage can also be a healing relationship when you use the Imago dialogue. When working with couples, I teach partners to become this safe person for each other. Couples come to show each other their true selves. Working through any challenges that arise, they arrive in Real Love where they are loved for who they really are.
Test what you’ve always wondered; if I say what I truly think and feel will this person still like me? Learn to find the love you want by learning to be your true self.

Monday, May 5, 2008

Left Brain Logic, Right Brain Bliss

In college, I learned about the functions of the left and right brain. The left brain is logical, methodical, and uses language, among other things. The right brain is creative, intuitive, and experiences the world in pictures. Blah, blah, blah. This was so dry that I memorized it, filed it away in my left brain, and haven’t thought about it since: until Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor. In 1996, this neuroanatomist suffered a stroke and underwent this catastrophic event from the perspective of a brain scientist. Her account of the experience is absolutely beautiful and can be watched at http://www.ted.com/talks/view/id/229.
Jill Bolte Taylor brilliantly describes the limitations of experiencing our world with only our left brain. She recounts the life-changing moments of her stroke, which revealed to her that although many left-brain functions such as intelligence, academic achievement, and linear thinking are revered in this culture, there is much more to life as human beings. Dr. Bolte Taylor’s recollections, moment by moment, can help us recognize our left brain’s sometimes false logic and our right-brain’s sublime perceptions.
Begin to notice if you’ve been mostly experiencing your life from your left brain. Are you constantly listening to the same thought patterns swirling around in your head? Do you find that you’re always thinking, rather than simply being? What you’re experiencing is left brain chatter. Our left brain is responsible for the things we tell ourselves, based on what we believe about who we are, who others are, and how the world is. Some of what we tell ourselves about these things simply isn’t true. Thus, our left brain is responsible for our flawed perceptions. This reminds me of a bumper sticker I once saw that read, “Don’t believe everything you think.” In addition to logic and perceptions about the world, the left brain is responsible for our illusion of separateness. It creates our sense of ourselves as individuals and our way of thinking of ourselves as “I”. This false sense of being separate from others can sometimes leave us feeling rejected, lonely, and isolated.
Deep down, we all long to feel loved and loving, to belong, and to feel accepted just as we are. These feelings of connection and acceptance bring excitement and elation. Isn’t that why we do the things we do? We work long hours for more money. We end relationships that don’t seem to be working in order to find a new partner with whom romantic love feels wonderful. We spend on new gadgets, clothing, and luxury items to feel excited and powerful. We take vacations to relax and just ‘be’. We join clubs and organizations for a sense of belonging. We strive to achieve our physical or career goals in order to finally feel ‘good enough’. And, for some, we have children to finally feel loved and cherished. What if we stopped trying so hard to achieve all of these things as individuals? What if we blocked out all of the left brain chatter that tells us we need to do all of these things to feel good? What if we let our right brains take over for a while?
Our right brain functions are the doorway to experiencing bliss, connection, and love. With the right brain, we can experience ourselves not as individuals, separate from everything else, but rather as one with the universe. We are a connected piece of many interrelated parts. Many long-term meditators describe their experience in meditation this way. These individuals are able to transcend what they thought they knew and reach who they truly are through the right brain experience. This is another reward of therapy. I teach clients to identify what they’re telling themselves (left brain chatter) and to examine if these messages are helping them become who they want to be. My clients learn to relax and slow down and, in the process, open themselves to their right brain experience. Feelings of peace and connectedness come alive. Their true selves, in all their magnificent glory, are revealed to them. Imagine: the answer to feeling bliss, connection, and love lay within us this whole time.

Wednesday, April 2, 2008

Discipline Your Kids With Love

So many people ask me to talk to them about how to discipline their children and teens. It’s understandable; we are not required to take parenting classes before having kids. The hospital just sends us home with a new baby and we think “now what do I do?” So we make it up as we go along and, consciously and unconsciously, call upon how we saw our parents do it. Most of this works just fine, but when problems arise, we may have little idea how to discipline our kids in helpful way.

I suspect people ask me to teach them about discipline because they want a way to intervene when their kid has done something wrong. In reality, discipline is a tool parents lovingly use to teach their kids how to keep themselves in control. The ultimate goal of discipline is self-discipline. This means that kids will do the right thing because they know this feels good and there are rewards in life for it. For example, maybe you have a house rule that kids must complete homework before watching TV. Indirectly, you are teaching kids that work comes before play. The goal is that your kids will carry this rule into their adulthood so they can structure their lives and be successful.

There is a danger in disciplining only as a means to punish. The danger is that your kids may come to see you as punitive and scary. Kids react to this type of parent either by becoming passive (the ‘good’ little boy or girl) or aggressive (physically & verbally violent) or withdrawn (not talking, then leaving home as soon as their able). Instead, discipline is a loving way to set rules for your kids so they can grow into adults who set rules for themselves. Discipline sometimes includes rewards and sometimes consequences, and always includes love.

So, I deliberately titled this article ‘Discipline Your Kids With Love’. Of course we love our children. When I talk about love here, I mean not the feeling, but the actions. When parenting and disciplining, I want you to always do these loving actions:
1) Appropriate affection, even with teens, such as hugs, backrubs, combing their hair.
2) Listening to what your child is saying by keeping silent and looking them in the eyes.
3) Spending time together.
4) Choosing words that value your child, not words that criticize and demean.

Love must accompany discipline for it to be effective. These loving actions are also how you reconnect after you’ve given a consequence. If you are loving and if your child feels loved and feels safe with you, he or she will respond when you need to put consequences in place. By respond, I mean that your child will not like the consequence, but will respect it and adhere to it. For example, my son will stay in his room until I come to get him out. Respecting and adhering to the consequences you’ve given will become increasingly important as they grow to teens. At that age, they are bigger and have more resources to override your consequences. For example, if they don’t respect you, you teen can call a friend to pick her up even if you’ve said she must stay in tonight.

Approach discipline with the intention of being a loving parent. Now, here are the specific steps:
1) Let your kids know what behavior you expect from them. For example: We talk to family members with respect. We ask before using someone else’s room or belongings.
2) Allow your kids to have input on what behavior they expect from themselves.
3) Motivate your kids to want to do these good behaviors with rewards. Rewards have a much greater impact getting your kids to behave than punishment does. Rewards are praise, affection, attention, offering to spend time together, a note or email saying you noticed, and, less importantly, gifts and food.
4) When kids violate this behavior, talk to them in a calm and respectful way. Staying calm and respectful is a loving way to parent. As much as you can, stay in control of your own anger and temptation to blame or shame them. It’s OK to pick a later time to talk about it after you’ve calmed down.
5) During this discussion, listen when your kids explain ‘their side’.
6) Choose a consequence. Involve your child in choosing it by asking them “What do you think your consequence should be?”. However, the parents have the final say.
7) Enforce the consequence. If you don’t stick to it, your kids will learn that you don’t mean what you say. Therefore, be really careful in which one you choose because it’s up to you to stay on top of it for the entire time.
8) Reconnect with your child with love. Tell your child that you love him/her, it was their behavior you didn’t like. Hug your child. Offer to spend time with them. Give them attention. Do not withdraw, therefore punishing them twice with the silent treatment.

Continue to show your child and teen that you love him/her even during the difficult times. If you discipline with love, your child will feel good about him/herself and will grow into an adult with self-discipline and self-love.

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

Do You Censor Yourself in Therapy?

Do you censor what you tell your therapist? It’s very common to filter what you say to acquaintances and co-workers because you are concerned that others will not understand you or like what you say. Some of this self-editing may spill over from our every day lives to our therapy sessions. Are you filtering what you tell your therapist? Have you deliberately lied to your therapist, even if it was a ‘white lie’? Are there areas of yourself that you’ve ‘forgotten’ to mention?
Most people want to present themselves in the best light they can. During individual therapy, you can present yourself any way you like and there is no one from your personal life to tell your therapist otherwise. You choose what to share. Because you want your therapist to like you, the urge to present yourself in the best light possible is strong. People who aren’t ready to be that open and vulnerable may say, ‘I don’t care what others think.’ The reality is that everyone wants to be liked. If we didn’t feel liked by our own therapist, we wouldn’t feel safe enough to discuss anything personal. Ask yourself whether you are censoring in order to have your therapist like you. If so, know that wanting someone to like you is normal and common. It is part of our natural instinct to protect ourselves from perceived harm (even emotional harm) and part of our instinct to keep ourselves in relationships.
If you are hiding parts of yourself that you don’t like or are ashamed of, there may be several reasons. You might do this because you feel these parts of yourself aren’t important to the work you’re doing in therapy. Maybe underneath you are concerned about how your therapist will react. It can be disconcerting not knowing what your therapist will do or say. Fear of your therapist’s reaction might be a tremendous factor in choosing to keep parts of yourself from him/her. Have there been times that his/her reaction seemed dismissive, disinterested, angry, or shaming? Did you feel angry or hurt then? If so, it’s not surprising that you may be censoring yourself to avoid the possibility of that happening again. I have more to say about therapists’ reactions and will write another posting on this subject later.
It is terrifying to consider sharing parts of yourself that you don’t like with a person you desperately want to like you. What if they, too, don’t like those parts of you? This instinct to show only your best side shows up in therapy in a number of ways. There’s a huge pull to present conflicts in your life as being largely the other person’s fault or caused by factors beyond your control. It’s much harder to acknowledge out loud how you’ve contributed to the conflict. Perhaps you haven’t shared something you’ve done that you feel horrible about. You may be concerned that, knowing about your behavior, your therapist will think you are a horrible person. Maybe you’re uncertain whether your therapist will have to report you or notify authorities if they learn about something from your past. Maybe you’re scared your therapist will deem you ‘crazy’ and need to be hospitalized.
Therapists are trained to be empathetic, meaning we seek to understand and feel the emotions our clients feel. Therapists are also trained to have unconditional positive regard for clients, which means that we care for our clients no matter what. These two traits are so important to a good client-therapist relationship that they are deemed necessary for therapy to take place. That is the foundation of the work.
It is very important to tell your therapist that you realize you filter what you say. You can talk about the reasons that you’re censoring yourself without telling your therapist the specific things you are afraid to say. Just the process of talking about your concerns can be very valuable. It is likely that this censoring is impacting your life in other areas too. The censoring can be a subject in and of itself.
As you explore this, it opens you to accepting yourself. The parts of yourself that you don’t like and the behaviors you’ve done in the past are a piece of who you are. We are all human with areas of strength and areas of weakness. It is a huge burden to carry shame about the parts of yourself you don’t like for your entire life. It’s exhausting and sad. But the universe created empathetic therapists. One of the beautiful attributes of your relationship with your therapist is that as you talk more about what you really think and feel and do, and he/she accepts you and still likes you, you come to know that you are okay. You come to know that what you think and feel, your needs and desires, are normal and acceptable. In turn you will understand that you are normal and acceptable - and likeable. That is healing.

Saturday, March 8, 2008

TV Has Desensitized The World

“For the greatest promise betrayed, TV has desensitized the world to violence; reduced political discourse to sound bites; fostered short attention spans, sedentary lifestyles and crass materialism; and demeaned women and fathers.” –Bob Altman

The Bud by Galway Kinnell

The bud stands for all things,
Even for those things that don’t flower.
For everything flowers, from within, of self-blessing
Though sometimes it is necessary,
To reteach a things its loveliness.
To put a hand on it’s brow
Of the flower,
And retell it in words and in touch
It is lovely,
Until it flowers again from within,
Of self-blessing.

Saturday, February 2, 2008

Talking To Teens

Remember when your teenagers were young children who actually wanted to spend time with you? Now, it seems that in the blink of an eye, they morphed into surly kids who are more interested in their friends and the Internet than talking to you. Although frustrating for parents, this is a normal stage. So what do you do? How do you talk to teens so they don’t tune you out? And how do you get them to talk to you?

Ask as few questions as possible. Questioning teens tends to close them down. Instead, make statements that don’t demand a response, such as, “I’ve been wondering what you think about your new coach.” If you get an exceptionally brief response, that’s OK, because you were just wondering aloud. Now that they know you are interested, they may tell you more later.

When teaching, be brief. Keep “lectures” down to three sentences. Your teens are smart and they’ll get it. Going on and on will not increase their understanding; it will just tempt them to tune you out faster.

When disciplining, respect your teen. Let your teen know they are a good kid; it was just their behavior that was a bad choice.

Listen for windows of opportunity. These are brief statements from your teen which appear to be random. For example, while driving to music practice, your teen may say out of the blue, “Mrs. Connor (the homeroom teacher) is way too intense.” All you have to say in response is “Oh, really?” This lets them know you want to hear more.

Listen (be silent) even when you disagree. Your teen is exploring their independence by saying their thoughts aloud. Hear what they have to say. You can state your opinion at a later time. If it’s a health or safety issue, though, you should tell your teen your opinion as soon as they’re done talking.

Talking and listening in this way will help your teen see you as less invasive and more mellow. In turn, it will increase their connection to you. Your teen wants and needs to be able to talk to you. Following these guidelines for talking with teens can help create the right environment for him or her to open up.

Friday, February 1, 2008

The Art of Gift Giving: The Platinum Rule

Do you remember hearing the Golden Rule when you were a child? The Golden Rule sets a terrific standard. It compels us to treat others as we would like to be treated. As wonderful as this concept is, it’s since been upgraded to the Platinum Rule. The Platinum Rule sets an even higher standard: treat others as they would like to be treated. Wow, what a difference! Instead of treating others as we would like to be treated, we recognize that the best way we can care for someone else is to treat them the way they would like! This tenet fits beautifully with Imago Relationship Therapy, where we are taught that each person has his or her unique way of seeing the world. One person cannot claim to know what is true for another person until the other person communicates it to him/her.
What do the Platinum Rule and Imago Relationship Therapy have to do with gift giving? Let me tell you. A few weeks ago, someone dear to me read aloud an article listing gift ideas for your Valentine. What struck me was this: how can we choose a gift for someone from a list written by someone else? It reminded me of the Golden Rule which encourages us to buy gifts that sound like a great idea to us, but that may or may not actually appeal to the recipient. Many people give gifts they’d secretly (or not so secretly) like to receive. While this sometimes results in the recipient liking the gift, this is not always the case.
The Platinum rule is light-years ahead when it comes to gift giving and relationships. When we apply the Platinum Rule and Imago to gift giving, we are encouraged to find out what the person likes before we buy for them. Along those same lines, this concept also dispels a myth about marriage: if my partner loves me, he or she will know what I like without my having to say it. This myth has been at the start of many arguments within relationships. I know because I’ve been there.
One way to learn what your partner likes is by doing the Reromanticizing exercise found in Harville Hendrix’s book, Getting The Love You Want. To perform this exercise, you and your partner each take a separate piece of paper and write a list of gifts or behaviors you would like to receive. Perhaps the gifts or behaviors are things your partner gave you or did for you at the beginning of your romance. Perhaps they are things he or she hasn’t purchased or done for you yet. Make each item on the list as specific as possible. Now, exchange lists and use them whenever you need to buy a gift or do something special for your partner. If there are items on your partner’s list that you are unwilling to purchase or do at this time, that’s okay. You can focus on the other items and talk in couples therapy about why that item is particularly challenging for you. (You may find that these difficult items are hints as to the ‘lost parts’ of yourself that your partner is encouraging you to grow.)
If you’d rather surprise your partner with his or her gift than use a list, how do you learn what it is he or she would truly like to receive? Be a detective throughout the year. Listen closely for your partner to say what he or she likes when you’re out at a store, reading the paper, or out with friends. Your partner may already be saying these things aloud. Even if it’s months away, you may decide to buy the gift now and save it for the holiday.
By following the Platinum Rule and the principles of Imago, you can take the stress and guesswork out of gift giving. The art of gift giving is so much more rewarding when we cherish the ways our partner is different from us. Bestow upon your partner a gift he or she truly wants to receive.

Wednesday, January 2, 2008

Saying "No" Without Shaming

I smile when I recall having said, before I became a parent myself, “I’ll never say ‘no’ to my kids!” The reality of parenting (quite different from my former ideal) is that children need limits. Many times, setting these limits involves saying ‘no’. The question is: how do you say ‘no’ and still have a positive relationship with your child? We do this by setting boundaries without shaming.
We set boundaries by restricting our kids in ways that will keep them safe, healthy, and enable them to fit into society. When you find yourself saying ‘no’ you are setting boundaries. Although no child likes to be told ‘no’, setting limits can be less painful and more beneficial to your relationship when done without shaming. What do I mean by shaming? Shaming is an attitude of the parents that indirectly sends the message ‘you are bad or wrong’. This attitude is conveyed when you find yourself yelling, giving a critical look (a look you might remember seeing on your own parent’s face), or using hurtful words such as, “What are you? Stupid?”
Saying ‘no’ is a necessary role of parents, however, it can and should be done without the undertone that makes it shaming. A shaming undertone makes many children feel bad, afraid of their parents, and demeaned, or squashed, on the inside.
How do you set the limits that children need in a way that allows them to continue feeling good about themselves and their relationship with you? It is all about HOW you talk to them. Get down on your child’s level. Speak with a calm, even tone of voice. Tell your child, “I love you and you are a good boy/girl. What you did was not OK.” When you correct your children in a calm way without shaming, they continue to feel good about themselves as they learn how to be safe, healthy and fit into society. What’s more, you’re building a positive and loving relationship with your child.

Tuesday, January 1, 2008

Supportive Relationships: Making New Year’s Resolutions Successful

Ever wonder why people resolve to make a change, yet the change only lasts a short time and then it’s back to the old habit? Did this happen to you and then did you admonish yourself for not having stronger will power? If so, you may be surprised to learn that change is not about will power and toughing it out. Lasting change happens with the support of relationships.
In order to successfully make changes in your life, you must have a relationship that is emotionally supportive. This means that the other person must be trustworthy and accept you as you are. They should make you feel safe and should be loyal, even when you stumble or fail. The person must genuinely care about your growth and be able to put aside their own "stuff" when they are supporting you. There can’t be any hidden agendas or desire to secretly influence you. The person's primary motive for helping you must be your growth, rather than their gain. Of course, your supportive person is not perfect and will falter at times. However, your supportive person should show these characteristics most of the time. The person who fulfills these requirements can challenge you to become the best person you can be, effectively bringing about the changes you desire.
So, how does change come from being in a relationship with this type of person? Let's consider two ways we can change: eliminating a "bad" habit and beginning a good habit. We all want to eliminate our “bad” habits. Underneath, are they self-soothing or a distraction from what's hurting you? In the presence of a safe person, you can explore and release what is hurting you. The "bad" habit will then disappear without requiring any will power on your part.
In addition to helping rid us of “bad” habits, a relationship with an accepting person can be very helpful in developing habits we know are good for us. In the presence of this person, we feel loved even when we fail. It is this love that propels us toward becoming our best selves.
Who will give this kind of support? The supportive person could be your spouse, your mentor, a friend, or a clergy member. For many, this person is their therapist. The role of a therapist is to be accepting, safe, loyal, caring, genuine, motivating, challenging, and respectful. It effectively fills the requirements and is the type of relationship necessary to bring about positive change. If you’ve been thinking about beginning or resuming therapy, consider how your relationship with a therapist can help you grow into who you want to be. Has something been getting in the way of you starting therapy? Isn't it time you find that supportive relationship within which you can make positive changes and become the person you want to be?