Successful Marriage: Together Out of Love, Not Insecurity

What do some couples have that other couples don’t? Successful couples are together out of love. They enjoy being with each other. They genuinely like spending time with their spouse. They may do some activities together that they both enjoy. They may feel safe and secure when their spouse is around. They may look forward to being intimate and sexual with each other. They may like talking and listening to one another.
Most relationships start in Romantic Love. In this first stage, couples come together because they are in love and because they love being with this person. Yet, even then, they were together because of how the other made them feel. This new boyfriend or girlfriend made them feel loved, cherished, desired, elated, and ecstatic. Other feelings were alleviated or disappeared: loneliness, isolation, feeling unloved, unwanted, or afraid. In this stage, we are not only in love with our new partner, we are in love with how we feel.
As I’ve written about before, Romantic Love fades and all relationships move into the next stage. Imago Relationship Therapy calls the next stage the Power Struggle. Here, the high of being in love has worn off. The couple has their first fight or begins to feel some of those difficult feelings again: loneliness, isolation, unloved, unwanted, and/or afraid. Each person’s old defenses come back and each person may react by blaming, shaming or criticizing or with silence or withdrawal. Couples who choose to explore what these conflicts are about move into the next several stages: Re-Commitment, Doing the Work, Awakening, and Real Love. These are couples who stay together because of love.
Other couples remain in the Power Struggle. These couples are together, in part, to alleviate their own insecurities. Even though the relationship they’re in is incredibly difficult at times, this feels preferable to feelings connected to insecurity: fear, loneliness, isolation, powerlessness, and shame. This can show up in a number of ways. Perhaps your spouse provides financially, so you remain to avoid the fear of being poor and deprived. Perhaps your partner cares for you by keeping the house or preparing the meals, so you remain to avoid having to learn to do these things for yourself. Perhaps your concerned that family or friends or your community would frown on divorce, so you stay in the marriage to avoid feeling ashamed. Perhaps you feel physically safe living with someone, so you stay to avoid living alone and fearing for your safety. Perhaps you like having a sexual partner, so you stay to avoid having no rewarding sexual outlet or to avoid dating again. Perhaps your spouse brings you social status, so you stay to avoid isolation or anonymity.
Are you in your relationship, in part, to avoid feeling these things? If you ended the relationship would you feel ashamed, lonely, afraid, or uncared for? If you entered couples therapy and were willing to explore these conflicts with your spouse, would you feel scared of, vulnerable in front of, and/or angry with your spouse?
As the gifted therapist Chloe Madanes wrote, “The couple has to make the shift from wanting to be together because it helps each partner with their difficulties to wanting to be together because they enjoy one another.” Couples therapy helps couples shift from being together out of their own insecurities to being together out of love. Couples therapy is a chance to explore what you are concerned or insecure about. Many couples find that just saying out loud what their concern is alleviates its intensity. It just doesn’t sound as bad as they told themselves it would be. Plus, by saying it aloud, the concern comes into your conscious awareness where it can be effectively dealt with. Each person then moves to finding a way to take care of themselves or rely on others, not only the spouse, to get this concern met. This process, together with another important feature of Imago Relationship Therapy: increasing fun and appreciation, shifts couples to being together because they genuinely like begin with one another. Enjoying one another is an important feature of a successful marriage.

Open to Love: Freeing Yourself From Being Protected, yet Isolated

Let me tell you a story I heard from a gifted Imago therapist and trainer named Maya Kollman. The story is about a woman who loves walking on the beach. The woman’s bare feet sink into the warm sand with each step. Without shoes, she feels free and natural. The woman walks like this every day, until she steps on a sharp shell and cuts her foot. The woman is surprised. Her foot is bleeding and it hurts. The next time she walks on the beach, she wears flip-flops to protect her feet from shells. After several days, the side of her foot brushes against a beached jellyfish. The woman’s foot stings and itches. So, the next time she walks on the beach the woman wears sneakers. This works for several days, until the woman stubs her toe on the rocks of the jetty. Frustrated, the woman decides to wear boots for her walks on the sand. She has been hurt so many times and she has finally found a way to keep her feet safe. However, the woman has become so concerned with protecting her feet that she has lost the wonderful experience of feeling the sand beneath her feet and between her toes. She misses feeling the texture, coarse and dry or silky and cool, and she misses feeling the connection to nature.

As we walk through life, both joy and hurt are part of the journey. Yet, it is our natural reaction to pull away from the things that hurt us, whether they are physical or emotional. Although it is extremely scary to be vulnerable to these hurts, the alternative is even worse: isolation. While others can’t hurt us when we isolate ourselves, we also cannot receive love and caring. This is a profound conundrum. Our hearts are protected, but they are also closed to love. And what greater pleasure is there on this journey than to love and be loved? As M. Scott Peck says, to love is to be fully invested in the spiritual growth of another. How divine to love and to be loved in this way! It is exquisite.

So, how do we live with this paradox? We must open our hearts by carefully choosing a person who feels safe. If this person is your spouse, how wonderful! It is important to realize, though, that the person who feels safe may not be your spouse at first. This may surprise you, especially coming from a marriage counselor. However, if your marriage has a history of many hurts that have not yet been talked about and worked through, your partner may not feel like a safe person. You might feel safer being open with your therapist or a trusted friend. This first experience will teach you what it feels like to be open. Through this experiment, you can come to know in your heart that you can be open, survive it, and even relish it. After that, you can begin to open your heart to your spouse.

It is important to recognize that there will be hurt sometimes, even with someone who is safe and even with your spouse. This is because the other person is human, too, makes mistakes and has faults of his or her own. He or she may unintentionally do or say something hurtful. When this happens, and it will, allow yourself to feel the hurt and to talk about it with him or her. Part of a close relationship is being able to discuss everything that happens between you. If you both feel heard and understood, talking about a hurt can move the relationship or marriage even closer. Only then, with openness and vulnerability, can love grow in your marriage. As humans, we need one another. We need to love and to be loved. By opening yourself to love, you will feel the divine joy that you deserve.

The Dark Thoughts of Parenting

As a parent, have you ever had thoughts about harming your children and then immediately wondered, “What kind of parent would think that?”  The kind of thoughts I’m referring to are imagining being aggressive toward your children, demeaning to them, being violent or sexual with them, or hurting them in some other way.  Since having negative or “bad” thoughts like this is rarely talked about, having these thoughts can make you feel scared and alone.  If you look at most depictions of “good” parenting in the media, you’ll see that “good” parents always look loving, calm, and giving.  We are sent an underlying message that it’s only the “bad” parents who would think these things.  In reality, having these thoughts and feelings is a normal experience that happens in almost all parents.  
Now, I want to make a clear distinction here between the thought and the action: thinking is different from doing.  Although many of these thoughts are normal and common, to act them out is never okay.  It is never appropriate to be sexual with or intentionally hurtful toward your children.  In addition, preoccupation with these feelings (i.e. having them most days or for long periods of time without relief) can be a sign of post partum depression and should lead a person to consult a physician or mental health professional.  
Simply having these dark thoughts as a parent, and as a human being, however, is part of the experience.  We each have the capacity for both good and evil inside of ourselves. Thankfully, we’re also endowed with the ability to be conscious of our thoughts, to control our actions, and to manage our feelings.  Being conscious, in this case, is about noticing your feelings when these thoughts come to mind.  Are you experiencing stress, anger, exhaustion, worry or loneliness?  The best way you can help yourself with these thoughts and feelings is to share them with your therapist, your spouse, or a trusted friend.  They can support you and help keep you in control so that, in spite of having the occasional “bad” thought, you continue to act as a loving parent.

Taking Care of Yourself: Why You Should Look Out for Number One

Take the time to care for yourself. To many people, this sounds unimportant and selfish. In our culture and in some religions, caring for OTHERS is what is esteemed and virtuous. As a result, we often neglect to care for ourselves the way we should. Caring for ourselves, however, IS important. In fact, we can’t properly care for others until we’re taking good care of ourselves.
There are probably many ways that you care for others and leave yourself last. For example, do you spend your vacations visiting family members when you really long to go on your dream vacation? Maybe you cart your kids to their activities all week long without even carving out one hour for yourself. Perhaps you are in the sandwich generation: taking care of both your aging parents and your young children. Give it some thought. Do you cook delicious meals for others but, when it’s just you, eat cereal for dinner, or nothing at all? Do you take your kids on fun outings but can’t remember the last time you had a date with your spouse or went out with friends? Maybe you spend money on family members and not yourself. Perhaps you find yourself doing things that others want you to do even when you really don’t want to do them. Do you frequently get sick or injured while caring for others? If so, you are probably not taking care of yourself the way you should be.
Think about whether there are ways you could be taking even BETTER care of yourself. Maybe you exercise, which is a great way to care for yourself, without making time to stretch. Perhaps you don’t see the doctor or dentist regularly because you feel fine or because you’re afraid to go. Do you eat non-nutritious foods because you think you can’t cook or don’t have the time? Is your home messy and disorganized? Are you failing to save and invest a percentage of your income? Maybe you’ve always wanted to begin therapy or working with a coach for your own healing and growth but never made the time or took the first steps. Perhaps you’ve even stopped doing things that used to bring you joy, excitement, and relaxation.
Underneath these behaviors are probably things you tell yourself in your head. Things like, “I’m selfish to want these things,” or “I’d be a bad mother/father if I did things for myself.” Maybe you think, “These things aren’t important”, and “I don’t have the time to take care of myself.” On a deeper level you may believe, “I don’t deserve it,” or “I’m not important enough to have these things.” Children are not born with these beliefs that their own needs and wants aren’t important. They pick up these messages from their caregivers, society, or religion. If you watch children play and experience the world, you can see that they want what they want and they love having fun. They are unafraid to fulfill their own needs and desires.
One of the benefits of therapy is that it gives you the chance to look at what you tell yourself and where you got that belief. Once you’ve identified these things, you can ask yourself: is this belief working FOR ME or is it working AGAINST ME? In our work together, clients discover that they ARE worth taking care of, that they deserve things for themselves, and that they are important enough to have fun, excitement, and leisure in their lives. In fact, the people you are busy caring for NEED you to take better care of yourself. Those you care for, especially your children, learn by watching you. They’re noticing whether you are joyful, excited, or relaxed and what you do to feel that way, just as they are noticing how you care for others. The people you care for need you to take better care of yourself so that you can, in turn, continue to take care of them. Without taking care of yourself, eventually, you will have very little to give to those you love and may even become sick or injured and physically cannot care for them. It is crucial that you take care of yourself FIRST.

The Things We Do For Love

What do you do to get others to like you? How about to get others to love you? We all want to feel loved, so we do certain things, or act certain ways, to try to ensure that. And, even as you are doing these things to be liked or loved, do you have doubts about the way others feel about you? If someone says ‘no’, rejects something you’ve offered, or gets angry with you, do you worry that they don’t, or won’t, like you? Feeling worried about this is common. And, because we’re reluctant to admit it, most of us don’t talk about it and wind up feeling isolated on top of feeling worried!
Many of us find that we do things just to increase our chances of being liked by others. This is a habit that often develops in early childhood. As children, we quickly figured out what to do or say in order to get our parents’ praise and attention and to avoid their anger and disapproval. For example, if, as a child, you could tell that your parents liked it when you were talkative and humorous, you may act that way now to get love and attention. If your parents prepared food to comfort you, you may have learned how to cook to comfort others. If your parents praised you when you were polite and compliant or when you acted tough, you may find that those behaviors dominate your demeanor now. If your parents disliked your crying, you may have learned to swallow your tears and rarely cry. If your parents disliked seeing you exuberant and bouncing, you may have learned to keep your body still.
What you learned in childhood about how to get love is still likely to be the way you seek love as an adult. And while these behaviors may not be getting you the deep love you need, you keep doing them because that’s all you know how to do. They can be extreme or moderate. You may dominate every conversation or keep quiet as a mouse. Perhaps you sexualize most relationships or avoid your sexuality altogether. Maybe you cry all the time or maybe you’ve only cried a few times your whole life. Maybe you always feel angry or you avoid anger and confrontation. Maybe you control everyone or you allow others to control you. Maybe you buy gifts and are always ‘doing’ for others or maybe you think only of yourself. If you have ever been a client in therapy, you may even have noticed yourself doing, or trying to do, these same behaviors with your therapist. As a therapist, I can help you see which behaviors are not getting you the love you need.
All these behaviors, and more, are okay at times. It is when these behaviors are used solely as a means to be liked or loved that they can be unfulfilling. And when you use these behaviors to get others to like and love you, you are reenacting your relationship with your parents. This actually limits your chances of being liked and loved by others because they are not your parents. The people who you have relationships with now, like and dislike different things from your parents. Yet, you continue acting the same way you did with your parents. This is because, when you are afraid you are not getting the love you need, your unconscious treats everyone as if they are your parent(s). And, boy, is this true with how you behave with your spouse when this same fear shows up!
Doing these old behaviors also limits your chances of being loved in the present because when you act this way, you are not who you really are. So, if you don’t get the love you want by doing or being what others want, and if the behaviors you learned in childhood are unfulfilling now, how do you get love? You get love by being yourself. You feel loved and cherished when you show someone your true self and they react by continuing to care about you. Although this may sound simple, it can be quite daunting. Think back; have you ever avoided doing or saying what you really think out of fear that you would get a negative reaction? What might it be like to be yourself with someone you can verbalize your true desires, fears, opinions, and hurts to? With a safe person, you can experiment with new behaviors rather than using the same behaviors from your past. When you do something different with a safe person, you can see what the outcome really is, which is often different from what you feared it would be. A good therapist can provide this accepting relationship and a place to try new, more fulfilling behaviors. With your therapist, you will be cared for even when you say what is really on your mind. You will still be accepted and cared for even when you do the opposite of what you’ve been doing for years. This is a healing relationship where your true self can show up. Your marriage can also be a healing relationship when you use the Imago dialogue. When working with couples, I teach partners to become this safe person for each other. Couples come to show each other their true selves. Working through any challenges that arise, they arrive in Real Love where they are loved for who they really are.
Test what you’ve always wondered; if I say what I truly think and feel will this person still like me? Learn to find the love you want by learning to be your true self.

Do You Censor Yourself in Therapy?

Do you censor what you tell your therapist? It’s very common to filter what you say to acquaintances and co-workers because you are concerned that others will not understand you or like what you say. Some of this self-editing may spill over from our every day lives to our therapy sessions. Are you filtering what you tell your therapist? Have you deliberately lied to your therapist, even if it was a ‘white lie’? Are there areas of yourself that you’ve ‘forgotten’ to mention?
Most people want to present themselves in the best light they can. During individual therapy, you can present yourself any way you like and there is no one from your personal life to tell your therapist otherwise. You choose what to share. Because you want your therapist to like you, the urge to present yourself in the best light possible is strong. People who aren’t ready to be that open and vulnerable may say, ‘I don’t care what others think.’ The reality is that everyone wants to be liked. If we didn’t feel liked by our own therapist, we wouldn’t feel safe enough to discuss anything personal. Ask yourself whether you are censoring in order to have your therapist like you. If so, know that wanting someone to like you is normal and common. It is part of our natural instinct to protect ourselves from perceived harm (even emotional harm) and part of our instinct to keep ourselves in relationships.
If you are hiding parts of yourself that you don’t like or are ashamed of, there may be several reasons. You might do this because you feel these parts of yourself aren’t important to the work you’re doing in therapy. Maybe underneath you are concerned about how your therapist will react. It can be disconcerting not knowing what your therapist will do or say. Fear of your therapist’s reaction might be a tremendous factor in choosing to keep parts of yourself from him/her. Have there been times that his/her reaction seemed dismissive, disinterested, angry, or shaming? Did you feel angry or hurt then? If so, it’s not surprising that you may be censoring yourself to avoid the possibility of that happening again. I have more to say about therapists’ reactions and will write another posting on this subject later.
It is terrifying to consider sharing parts of yourself that you don’t like with a person you desperately want to like you. What if they, too, don’t like those parts of you? This instinct to show only your best side shows up in therapy in a number of ways. There’s a huge pull to present conflicts in your life as being largely the other person’s fault or caused by factors beyond your control. It’s much harder to acknowledge out loud how you’ve contributed to the conflict. Perhaps you haven’t shared something you’ve done that you feel horrible about. You may be concerned that, knowing about your behavior, your therapist will think you are a horrible person. Maybe you’re uncertain whether your therapist will have to report you or notify authorities if they learn about something from your past. Maybe you’re scared your therapist will deem you ‘crazy’ and need to be hospitalized.
Therapists are trained to be empathetic, meaning we seek to understand and feel the emotions our clients feel. Therapists are also trained to have unconditional positive regard for clients, which means that we care for our clients no matter what. These two traits are so important to a good client-therapist relationship that they are deemed necessary for therapy to take place. That is the foundation of the work.
It is very important to tell your therapist that you realize you filter what you say. You can talk about the reasons that you’re censoring yourself without telling your therapist the specific things you are afraid to say. Just the process of talking about your concerns can be very valuable. It is likely that this censoring is impacting your life in other areas too. The censoring can be a subject in and of itself.
As you explore this, it opens you to accepting yourself. The parts of yourself that you don’t like and the behaviors you’ve done in the past are a piece of who you are. We are all human with areas of strength and areas of weakness. It is a huge burden to carry shame about the parts of yourself you don’t like for your entire life. It’s exhausting and sad. But the universe created empathetic therapists. One of the beautiful attributes of your relationship with your therapist is that as you talk more about what you really think and feel and do, and he/she accepts you and still likes you, you come to know that you are okay. You come to know that what you think and feel, your needs and desires, are normal and acceptable. In turn you will understand that you are normal and acceptable - and likeable. That is healing.

Supportive Relationships: Making New Year’s Resolutions Successful

Ever wonder why people resolve to make a change, yet the change only lasts a short time and then it’s back to the old habit? Did this happen to you and then did you admonish yourself for not having stronger will power? If so, you may be surprised to learn that change is not about will power and toughing it out. Lasting change happens with the support of relationships.
In order to successfully make changes in your life, you must have a relationship that is emotionally supportive. This means that the other person must be trustworthy and accept you as you are. They should make you feel safe and should be loyal, even when you stumble or fail. The person must genuinely care about your growth and be able to put aside their own "stuff" when they are supporting you. There can’t be any hidden agendas or desire to secretly influence you. The person's primary motive for helping you must be your growth, rather than their gain. Of course, your supportive person is not perfect and will falter at times. However, your supportive person should show these characteristics most of the time. The person who fulfills these requirements can challenge you to become the best person you can be, effectively bringing about the changes you desire.
So, how does change come from being in a relationship with this type of person? Let's consider two ways we can change: eliminating a "bad" habit and beginning a good habit. We all want to eliminate our “bad” habits. Underneath, are they self-soothing or a distraction from what's hurting you? In the presence of a safe person, you can explore and release what is hurting you. The "bad" habit will then disappear without requiring any will power on your part.
In addition to helping rid us of “bad” habits, a relationship with an accepting person can be very helpful in developing habits we know are good for us. In the presence of this person, we feel loved even when we fail. It is this love that propels us toward becoming our best selves.
Who will give this kind of support? The supportive person could be your spouse, your mentor, a friend, or a clergy member. For many, this person is their therapist. The role of a therapist is to be accepting, safe, loyal, caring, genuine, motivating, challenging, and respectful. It effectively fills the requirements and is the type of relationship necessary to bring about positive change. If you’ve been thinking about beginning or resuming therapy, consider how your relationship with a therapist can help you grow into who you want to be. Has something been getting in the way of you starting therapy? Isn't it time you find that supportive relationship within which you can make positive changes and become the person you want to be?