What do you do to get others to like you? How about to get others to love you? We all want to feel loved, so we do certain things, or act certain ways, to try to ensure that. And, even as you are doing these things to be liked or loved, do you have doubts about the way others feel about you? If someone says ‘no’, rejects something you’ve offered, or gets angry with you, do you worry that they don’t, or won’t, like you? Feeling worried about this is common. And, because we’re reluctant to admit it, most of us don’t talk about it and wind up feeling isolated on top of feeling worried!
Many of us find that we do things just to increase our chances of being liked by others. This is a habit that often develops in early childhood. As children, we quickly figured out what to do or say in order to get our parents’ praise and attention and to avoid their anger and disapproval. For example, if, as a child, you could tell that your parents liked it when you were talkative and humorous, you may act that way now to get love and attention. If your parents prepared food to comfort you, you may have learned how to cook to comfort others. If your parents praised you when you were polite and compliant or when you acted tough, you may find that those behaviors dominate your demeanor now. If your parents disliked your crying, you may have learned to swallow your tears and rarely cry. If your parents disliked seeing you exuberant and bouncing, you may have learned to keep your body still.
What you learned in childhood about how to get love is still likely to be the way you seek love as an adult. And while these behaviors may not be getting you the deep love you need, you keep doing them because that’s all you know how to do. They can be extreme or moderate. You may dominate every conversation or keep quiet as a mouse. Perhaps you sexualize most relationships or avoid your sexuality altogether. Maybe you cry all the time or maybe you’ve only cried a few times your whole life. Maybe you always feel angry or you avoid anger and confrontation. Maybe you control everyone or you allow others to control you. Maybe you buy gifts and are always ‘doing’ for others or maybe you think only of yourself. If you have ever been a client in therapy, you may even have noticed yourself doing, or trying to do, these same behaviors with your therapist. As a therapist, I can help you see which behaviors are not getting you the love you need.
All these behaviors, and more, are okay at times. It is when these behaviors are used solely as a means to be liked or loved that they can be unfulfilling. And when you use these behaviors to get others to like and love you, you are reenacting your relationship with your parents. This actually limits your chances of being liked and loved by others because they are not your parents. The people who you have relationships with now, like and dislike different things from your parents. Yet, you continue acting the same way you did with your parents. This is because, when you are afraid you are not getting the love you need, your unconscious treats everyone as if they are your parent(s). And, boy, is this true with how you behave with your spouse when this same fear shows up!
Doing these old behaviors also limits your chances of being loved in the present because when you act this way, you are not who you really are. So, if you don’t get the love you want by doing or being what others want, and if the behaviors you learned in childhood are unfulfilling now, how do you get love? You get love by being yourself. You feel loved and cherished when you show someone your true self and they react by continuing to care about you. Although this may sound simple, it can be quite daunting. Think back; have you ever avoided doing or saying what you really think out of fear that you would get a negative reaction? What might it be like to be yourself with someone you can verbalize your true desires, fears, opinions, and hurts to? With a safe person, you can experiment with new behaviors rather than using the same behaviors from your past. When you do something different with a safe person, you can see what the outcome really is, which is often different from what you feared it would be. A good therapist can provide this accepting relationship and a place to try new, more fulfilling behaviors. With your therapist, you will be cared for even when you say what is really on your mind. You will still be accepted and cared for even when you do the opposite of what you’ve been doing for years. This is a healing relationship where your true self can show up. Your marriage can also be a healing relationship when you use the Imago dialogue. When working with couples, I teach partners to become this safe person for each other. Couples come to show each other their true selves. Working through any challenges that arise, they arrive in Real Love where they are loved for who they really are.
Test what you’ve always wondered; if I say what I truly think and feel will this person still like me? Learn to find the love you want by learning to be your true self.
Monday, May 19, 2008
Monday, May 5, 2008
Left Brain Logic, Right Brain Bliss
In college, I learned about the functions of the left and right brain. The left brain is logical, methodical, and uses language, among other things. The right brain is creative, intuitive, and experiences the world in pictures. Blah, blah, blah. This was so dry that I memorized it, filed it away in my left brain, and haven’t thought about it since: until Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor. In 1996, this neuroanatomist suffered a stroke and underwent this catastrophic event from the perspective of a brain scientist. Her account of the experience is absolutely beautiful and can be watched at http://www.ted.com/talks/view/id/229.
Jill Bolte Taylor brilliantly describes the limitations of experiencing our world with only our left brain. She recounts the life-changing moments of her stroke, which revealed to her that although many left-brain functions such as intelligence, academic achievement, and linear thinking are revered in this culture, there is much more to life as human beings. Dr. Bolte Taylor’s recollections, moment by moment, can help us recognize our left brain’s sometimes false logic and our right-brain’s sublime perceptions.
Begin to notice if you’ve been mostly experiencing your life from your left brain. Are you constantly listening to the same thought patterns swirling around in your head? Do you find that you’re always thinking, rather than simply being? What you’re experiencing is left brain chatter. Our left brain is responsible for the things we tell ourselves, based on what we believe about who we are, who others are, and how the world is. Some of what we tell ourselves about these things simply isn’t true. Thus, our left brain is responsible for our flawed perceptions. This reminds me of a bumper sticker I once saw that read, “Don’t believe everything you think.” In addition to logic and perceptions about the world, the left brain is responsible for our illusion of separateness. It creates our sense of ourselves as individuals and our way of thinking of ourselves as “I”. This false sense of being separate from others can sometimes leave us feeling rejected, lonely, and isolated.
Deep down, we all long to feel loved and loving, to belong, and to feel accepted just as we are. These feelings of connection and acceptance bring excitement and elation. Isn’t that why we do the things we do? We work long hours for more money. We end relationships that don’t seem to be working in order to find a new partner with whom romantic love feels wonderful. We spend on new gadgets, clothing, and luxury items to feel excited and powerful. We take vacations to relax and just ‘be’. We join clubs and organizations for a sense of belonging. We strive to achieve our physical or career goals in order to finally feel ‘good enough’. And, for some, we have children to finally feel loved and cherished. What if we stopped trying so hard to achieve all of these things as individuals? What if we blocked out all of the left brain chatter that tells us we need to do all of these things to feel good? What if we let our right brains take over for a while?
Our right brain functions are the doorway to experiencing bliss, connection, and love. With the right brain, we can experience ourselves not as individuals, separate from everything else, but rather as one with the universe. We are a connected piece of many interrelated parts. Many long-term meditators describe their experience in meditation this way. These individuals are able to transcend what they thought they knew and reach who they truly are through the right brain experience. This is another reward of therapy. I teach clients to identify what they’re telling themselves (left brain chatter) and to examine if these messages are helping them become who they want to be. My clients learn to relax and slow down and, in the process, open themselves to their right brain experience. Feelings of peace and connectedness come alive. Their true selves, in all their magnificent glory, are revealed to them. Imagine: the answer to feeling bliss, connection, and love lay within us this whole time.
Jill Bolte Taylor brilliantly describes the limitations of experiencing our world with only our left brain. She recounts the life-changing moments of her stroke, which revealed to her that although many left-brain functions such as intelligence, academic achievement, and linear thinking are revered in this culture, there is much more to life as human beings. Dr. Bolte Taylor’s recollections, moment by moment, can help us recognize our left brain’s sometimes false logic and our right-brain’s sublime perceptions.
Begin to notice if you’ve been mostly experiencing your life from your left brain. Are you constantly listening to the same thought patterns swirling around in your head? Do you find that you’re always thinking, rather than simply being? What you’re experiencing is left brain chatter. Our left brain is responsible for the things we tell ourselves, based on what we believe about who we are, who others are, and how the world is. Some of what we tell ourselves about these things simply isn’t true. Thus, our left brain is responsible for our flawed perceptions. This reminds me of a bumper sticker I once saw that read, “Don’t believe everything you think.” In addition to logic and perceptions about the world, the left brain is responsible for our illusion of separateness. It creates our sense of ourselves as individuals and our way of thinking of ourselves as “I”. This false sense of being separate from others can sometimes leave us feeling rejected, lonely, and isolated.
Deep down, we all long to feel loved and loving, to belong, and to feel accepted just as we are. These feelings of connection and acceptance bring excitement and elation. Isn’t that why we do the things we do? We work long hours for more money. We end relationships that don’t seem to be working in order to find a new partner with whom romantic love feels wonderful. We spend on new gadgets, clothing, and luxury items to feel excited and powerful. We take vacations to relax and just ‘be’. We join clubs and organizations for a sense of belonging. We strive to achieve our physical or career goals in order to finally feel ‘good enough’. And, for some, we have children to finally feel loved and cherished. What if we stopped trying so hard to achieve all of these things as individuals? What if we blocked out all of the left brain chatter that tells us we need to do all of these things to feel good? What if we let our right brains take over for a while?
Our right brain functions are the doorway to experiencing bliss, connection, and love. With the right brain, we can experience ourselves not as individuals, separate from everything else, but rather as one with the universe. We are a connected piece of many interrelated parts. Many long-term meditators describe their experience in meditation this way. These individuals are able to transcend what they thought they knew and reach who they truly are through the right brain experience. This is another reward of therapy. I teach clients to identify what they’re telling themselves (left brain chatter) and to examine if these messages are helping them become who they want to be. My clients learn to relax and slow down and, in the process, open themselves to their right brain experience. Feelings of peace and connectedness come alive. Their true selves, in all their magnificent glory, are revealed to them. Imagine: the answer to feeling bliss, connection, and love lay within us this whole time.
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