Monday, July 28, 2008

Angry Feelings: What to Do When They’re Aimed At Your Therapist

Have you ever felt anger or irritation toward your therapist? Anger is a strong emotion that can arise anytime you interact with someone. Although it is normal and common to feel angry, you might be surprised when angry feelings are directed at your therapist. The anger may have been caused by something your therapist did or said. It may have been caused by something your therapist failed to do or say. Whatever its cause, you may wonder how to handle it. If this has happened to you, how did you react? Did you keep silent about it, telling yourself that you were being silly? Did you fail to speak up for fear of upsetting him/her? Maybe you mentioned your feelings in a roundabout way with a small or sarcastic comment. Perhaps you missed your next session for one reason or another, left therapy suddenly or without saying goodbye. Maybe you even told your therapist that you felt angry with him/her.
How you react to your anger is often connected to how it was expressed in your family growing up. Were you told, either with words or indirectly, that it’s okay to be angry? Or did your parents say, ‘don’t be silly,’ ‘grow up,’ or ‘get over it’ when you felt upset? Maybe your parents never showed their anger. Or perhaps they always showed it with violence or yelling. Either way, the overt or covert messages you got during childhood are often evident in how you handle your anger today. If anger was discouraged, or a very negative experience, it may be difficult for you to show your anger now. In addition, it may be difficult for you to even be aware of your anger at all.
Therapy is designed so that your therapist is a safe person with whom you can talk about all that you are experiencing. And yes, sometimes what you experience includes anger at your therapist. It’s okay to express this anger during therapy sessions. The danger if you don’t is you may end up feeling resentment toward someone you used to feel cared for by. If you are hesitant to share your anger in therapy, begin by asking yourself, ‘what am I concerned will happen?’ Then, when you decide to tell your therapist about your anger/irritation, start by stating this concern. Through this process, you will learn a new, safe way to express anger with your therapist, and with others in your life. You will come to see that both you and your therapist can tolerate your anger, and that you can remain connected through all that you experience together.

Monday, July 21, 2008

Open to Love: Freeing Yourself From Being Protected, yet Isolated

Let me tell you a story I heard from a gifted Imago therapist and trainer named Maya Kollman. The story is about a woman who loves walking on the beach. The woman’s bare feet sink into the warm sand with each step. Without shoes, she feels free and natural. The woman walks like this every day, until she steps on a sharp shell and cuts her foot. The woman is surprised. Her foot is bleeding and it hurts. The next time she walks on the beach, she wears flip-flops to protect her feet from shells. After several days, the side of her foot brushes against a beached jellyfish. The woman’s foot stings and itches. So, the next time she walks on the beach the woman wears sneakers. This works for several days, until the woman stubs her toe on the rocks of the jetty. Frustrated, the woman decides to wear boots for her walks on the sand. She has been hurt so many times and she has finally found a way to keep her feet safe. However, the woman has become so concerned with protecting her feet that she has lost the wonderful experience of feeling the sand beneath her feet and between her toes. She misses feeling the texture, coarse and dry or silky and cool, and she misses feeling the connection to nature.

As we walk through life, both joy and hurt are part of the journey. Yet, it is our natural reaction to pull away from the things that hurt us, whether they are physical or emotional. Although it is extremely scary to be vulnerable to these hurts, the alternative is even worse: isolation. While others can’t hurt us when we isolate ourselves, we also cannot receive love and caring. This is a profound conundrum. Our hearts are protected, but they are also closed to love. And what greater pleasure is there on this journey than to love and be loved? As M. Scott Peck says, to love is to be fully invested in the spiritual growth of another. How divine to love and to be loved in this way! It is exquisite.

So, how do we live with this paradox? We must open our hearts by carefully choosing a person who feels safe. If this person is your spouse, how wonderful! It is important to realize, though, that the person who feels safe may not be your spouse at first. This may surprise you, especially coming from a marriage counselor. However, if your marriage has a history of many hurts that have not yet been talked about and worked through, your partner may not feel like a safe person. You might feel safer being open with your therapist or a trusted friend. This first experience will teach you what it feels like to be open. Through this experiment, you can come to know in your heart that you can be open, survive it, and even relish it. After that, you can begin to open your heart to your spouse.

It is important to recognize that there will be hurt sometimes, even with someone who is safe and even with your spouse. This is because the other person is human, too, makes mistakes and has faults of his or her own. He or she may unintentionally do or say something hurtful. When this happens, and it will, allow yourself to feel the hurt and to talk about it with him or her. Part of a close relationship is being able to discuss everything that happens between you. If you both feel heard and understood, talking about a hurt can move the relationship or marriage even closer. Only then, with openness and vulnerability, can love grow in your marriage. As humans, we need one another. We need to love and to be loved. By opening yourself to love, you will feel the divine joy that you deserve.

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

The Dark Thoughts of Parenting

As a parent, have you ever had thoughts about harming your children and then immediately wondered, “What kind of parent would think that?”  The kind of thoughts I’m referring to are imagining being aggressive toward your children, demeaning to them, being violent or sexual with them, or hurting them in some other way.  Since having negative or “bad” thoughts like this is rarely talked about, having these thoughts can make you feel scared and alone.  If you look at most depictions of “good” parenting in the media, you’ll see that “good” parents always look loving, calm, and giving.  We are sent an underlying message that it’s only the “bad” parents who would think these things.  In reality, having these thoughts and feelings is a normal experience that happens in almost all parents.  
Now, I want to make a clear distinction here between the thought and the action: thinking is different from doing.  Although many of these thoughts are normal and common, to act them out is never okay.  It is never appropriate to be sexual with or intentionally hurtful toward your children.  In addition, preoccupation with these feelings (i.e. having them most days or for long periods of time without relief) can be a sign of post partum depression and should lead a person to consult a physician or mental health professional.  
Simply having these dark thoughts as a parent, and as a human being, however, is part of the experience.  We each have the capacity for both good and evil inside of ourselves. Thankfully, we’re also endowed with the ability to be conscious of our thoughts, to control our actions, and to manage our feelings.  Being conscious, in this case, is about noticing your feelings when these thoughts come to mind.  Are you experiencing stress, anger, exhaustion, worry or loneliness?  The best way you can help yourself with these thoughts and feelings is to share them with your therapist, your spouse, or a trusted friend.  They can support you and help keep you in control so that, in spite of having the occasional “bad” thought, you continue to act as a loving parent.