Talking To Teens

Remember when your teenagers were young children who actually wanted to spend time with you? Now, it seems that in the blink of an eye, they morphed into surly kids who are more interested in their friends and the Internet than talking to you. Although frustrating for parents, this is a normal stage. So what do you do? How do you talk to teens so they don’t tune you out? And how do you get them to talk to you?

Ask as few questions as possible. Questioning teens tends to close them down. Instead, make statements that don’t demand a response, such as, “I’ve been wondering what you think about your new coach.” If you get an exceptionally brief response, that’s OK, because you were just wondering aloud. Now that they know you are interested, they may tell you more later.

When teaching, be brief. Keep “lectures” down to three sentences. Your teens are smart and they’ll get it. Going on and on will not increase their understanding; it will just tempt them to tune you out faster.

When disciplining, respect your teen. Let your teen know they are a good kid; it was just their behavior that was a bad choice.

Listen for windows of opportunity. These are brief statements from your teen which appear to be random. For example, while driving to music practice, your teen may say out of the blue, “Mrs. Connor (the homeroom teacher) is way too intense.” All you have to say in response is “Oh, really?” This lets them know you want to hear more.

Listen (be silent) even when you disagree. Your teen is exploring their independence by saying their thoughts aloud. Hear what they have to say. You can state your opinion at a later time. If it’s a health or safety issue, though, you should tell your teen your opinion as soon as they’re done talking.

Talking and listening in this way will help your teen see you as less invasive and more mellow. In turn, it will increase their connection to you. Your teen wants and needs to be able to talk to you. Following these guidelines for talking with teens can help create the right environment for him or her to open up.

The Art of Gift Giving: The Platinum Rule

Do you remember hearing the Golden Rule when you were a child? The Golden Rule sets a terrific standard. It compels us to treat others as we would like to be treated. As wonderful as this concept is, it’s since been upgraded to the Platinum Rule. The Platinum Rule sets an even higher standard: treat others as they would like to be treated. Wow, what a difference! Instead of treating others as we would like to be treated, we recognize that the best way we can care for someone else is to treat them the way they would like! This tenet fits beautifully with Imago Relationship Therapy, where we are taught that each person has his or her unique way of seeing the world. One person cannot claim to know what is true for another person until the other person communicates it to him/her.
What do the Platinum Rule and Imago Relationship Therapy have to do with gift giving? Let me tell you. A few weeks ago, someone dear to me read aloud an article listing gift ideas for your Valentine. What struck me was this: how can we choose a gift for someone from a list written by someone else? It reminded me of the Golden Rule which encourages us to buy gifts that sound like a great idea to us, but that may or may not actually appeal to the recipient. Many people give gifts they’d secretly (or not so secretly) like to receive. While this sometimes results in the recipient liking the gift, this is not always the case.
The Platinum rule is light-years ahead when it comes to gift giving and relationships. When we apply the Platinum Rule and Imago to gift giving, we are encouraged to find out what the person likes before we buy for them. Along those same lines, this concept also dispels a myth about marriage: if my partner loves me, he or she will know what I like without my having to say it. This myth has been at the start of many arguments within relationships. I know because I’ve been there.
One way to learn what your partner likes is by doing the Reromanticizing exercise found in Harville Hendrix’s book, Getting The Love You Want. To perform this exercise, you and your partner each take a separate piece of paper and write a list of gifts or behaviors you would like to receive. Perhaps the gifts or behaviors are things your partner gave you or did for you at the beginning of your romance. Perhaps they are things he or she hasn’t purchased or done for you yet. Make each item on the list as specific as possible. Now, exchange lists and use them whenever you need to buy a gift or do something special for your partner. If there are items on your partner’s list that you are unwilling to purchase or do at this time, that’s okay. You can focus on the other items and talk in couples therapy about why that item is particularly challenging for you. (You may find that these difficult items are hints as to the ‘lost parts’ of yourself that your partner is encouraging you to grow.)
If you’d rather surprise your partner with his or her gift than use a list, how do you learn what it is he or she would truly like to receive? Be a detective throughout the year. Listen closely for your partner to say what he or she likes when you’re out at a store, reading the paper, or out with friends. Your partner may already be saying these things aloud. Even if it’s months away, you may decide to buy the gift now and save it for the holiday.
By following the Platinum Rule and the principles of Imago, you can take the stress and guesswork out of gift giving. The art of gift giving is so much more rewarding when we cherish the ways our partner is different from us. Bestow upon your partner a gift he or she truly wants to receive.