The Things We Do For Love

What do you do to get others to like you? How about to get others to love you? We all want to feel loved, so we do certain things, or act certain ways, to try to ensure that. And, even as you are doing these things to be liked or loved, do you have doubts about the way others feel about you? If someone says ‘no’, rejects something you’ve offered, or gets angry with you, do you worry that they don’t, or won’t, like you? Feeling worried about this is common. And, because we’re reluctant to admit it, most of us don’t talk about it and wind up feeling isolated on top of feeling worried!
Many of us find that we do things just to increase our chances of being liked by others. This is a habit that often develops in early childhood. As children, we quickly figured out what to do or say in order to get our parents’ praise and attention and to avoid their anger and disapproval. For example, if, as a child, you could tell that your parents liked it when you were talkative and humorous, you may act that way now to get love and attention. If your parents prepared food to comfort you, you may have learned how to cook to comfort others. If your parents praised you when you were polite and compliant or when you acted tough, you may find that those behaviors dominate your demeanor now. If your parents disliked your crying, you may have learned to swallow your tears and rarely cry. If your parents disliked seeing you exuberant and bouncing, you may have learned to keep your body still.
What you learned in childhood about how to get love is still likely to be the way you seek love as an adult. And while these behaviors may not be getting you the deep love you need, you keep doing them because that’s all you know how to do. They can be extreme or moderate. You may dominate every conversation or keep quiet as a mouse. Perhaps you sexualize most relationships or avoid your sexuality altogether. Maybe you cry all the time or maybe you’ve only cried a few times your whole life. Maybe you always feel angry or you avoid anger and confrontation. Maybe you control everyone or you allow others to control you. Maybe you buy gifts and are always ‘doing’ for others or maybe you think only of yourself. If you have ever been a client in therapy, you may even have noticed yourself doing, or trying to do, these same behaviors with your therapist. As a therapist, I can help you see which behaviors are not getting you the love you need.
All these behaviors, and more, are okay at times. It is when these behaviors are used solely as a means to be liked or loved that they can be unfulfilling. And when you use these behaviors to get others to like and love you, you are reenacting your relationship with your parents. This actually limits your chances of being liked and loved by others because they are not your parents. The people who you have relationships with now, like and dislike different things from your parents. Yet, you continue acting the same way you did with your parents. This is because, when you are afraid you are not getting the love you need, your unconscious treats everyone as if they are your parent(s). And, boy, is this true with how you behave with your spouse when this same fear shows up!
Doing these old behaviors also limits your chances of being loved in the present because when you act this way, you are not who you really are. So, if you don’t get the love you want by doing or being what others want, and if the behaviors you learned in childhood are unfulfilling now, how do you get love? You get love by being yourself. You feel loved and cherished when you show someone your true self and they react by continuing to care about you. Although this may sound simple, it can be quite daunting. Think back; have you ever avoided doing or saying what you really think out of fear that you would get a negative reaction? What might it be like to be yourself with someone you can verbalize your true desires, fears, opinions, and hurts to? With a safe person, you can experiment with new behaviors rather than using the same behaviors from your past. When you do something different with a safe person, you can see what the outcome really is, which is often different from what you feared it would be. A good therapist can provide this accepting relationship and a place to try new, more fulfilling behaviors. With your therapist, you will be cared for even when you say what is really on your mind. You will still be accepted and cared for even when you do the opposite of what you’ve been doing for years. This is a healing relationship where your true self can show up. Your marriage can also be a healing relationship when you use the Imago dialogue. When working with couples, I teach partners to become this safe person for each other. Couples come to show each other their true selves. Working through any challenges that arise, they arrive in Real Love where they are loved for who they really are.
Test what you’ve always wondered; if I say what I truly think and feel will this person still like me? Learn to find the love you want by learning to be your true self.