As a parent, have you ever had thoughts about harming your children and then immediately wondered, “What kind of parent would think that?” The kind of thoughts I’m referring to are imagining being aggressive toward your children, demeaning to them, being violent or sexual with them, or hurting them in some other way. Since having negative or “bad” thoughts like this is rarely talked about, having these thoughts can make you feel scared and alone. If you look at most depictions of “good” parenting in the media, you’ll see that “good” parents always look loving, calm, and giving. We are sent an underlying message that it’s only the “bad” parents who would think these things. In reality, having these thoughts and feelings is a normal experience that happens in almost all parents.
Now, I want to make a clear distinction here between the thought and the action: thinking is different from doing. Although many of these thoughts are normal and common, to act them out is never okay. It is never appropriate to be sexual with or intentionally hurtful toward your children. In addition, preoccupation with these feelings (i.e. having them most days or for long periods of time without relief) can be a sign of post partum depression and should lead a person to consult a physician or mental health professional.
Simply having these dark thoughts as a parent, and as a human being, however, is part of the experience. We each have the capacity for both good and evil inside of ourselves. Thankfully, we’re also endowed with the ability to be conscious of our thoughts, to control our actions, and to manage our feelings. Being conscious, in this case, is about noticing your feelings when these thoughts come to mind. Are you experiencing stress, anger, exhaustion, worry or loneliness? The best way you can help yourself with these thoughts and feelings is to share them with your therapist, your spouse, or a trusted friend. They can support you and help keep you in control so that, in spite of having the occasional “bad” thought, you continue to act as a loving parent.
Showing posts with label Parenting. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Parenting. Show all posts
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
Monday, June 16, 2008
Taking Care of Yourself: Why You Should Look Out for Number One
Take the time to care for yourself. To many people, this sounds unimportant and selfish. In our culture and in some religions, caring for OTHERS is what is esteemed and virtuous. As a result, we often neglect to care for ourselves the way we should. Caring for ourselves, however, IS important. In fact, we can’t properly care for others until we’re taking good care of ourselves.
There are probably many ways that you care for others and leave yourself last. For example, do you spend your vacations visiting family members when you really long to go on your dream vacation? Maybe you cart your kids to their activities all week long without even carving out one hour for yourself. Perhaps you are in the sandwich generation: taking care of both your aging parents and your young children. Give it some thought. Do you cook delicious meals for others but, when it’s just you, eat cereal for dinner, or nothing at all? Do you take your kids on fun outings but can’t remember the last time you had a date with your spouse or went out with friends? Maybe you spend money on family members and not yourself. Perhaps you find yourself doing things that others want you to do even when you really don’t want to do them. Do you frequently get sick or injured while caring for others? If so, you are probably not taking care of yourself the way you should be.
Think about whether there are ways you could be taking even BETTER care of yourself. Maybe you exercise, which is a great way to care for yourself, without making time to stretch. Perhaps you don’t see the doctor or dentist regularly because you feel fine or because you’re afraid to go. Do you eat non-nutritious foods because you think you can’t cook or don’t have the time? Is your home messy and disorganized? Are you failing to save and invest a percentage of your income? Maybe you’ve always wanted to begin therapy or working with a coach for your own healing and growth but never made the time or took the first steps. Perhaps you’ve even stopped doing things that used to bring you joy, excitement, and relaxation.
Underneath these behaviors are probably things you tell yourself in your head. Things like, “I’m selfish to want these things,” or “I’d be a bad mother/father if I did things for myself.” Maybe you think, “These things aren’t important”, and “I don’t have the time to take care of myself.” On a deeper level you may believe, “I don’t deserve it,” or “I’m not important enough to have these things.” Children are not born with these beliefs that their own needs and wants aren’t important. They pick up these messages from their caregivers, society, or religion. If you watch children play and experience the world, you can see that they want what they want and they love having fun. They are unafraid to fulfill their own needs and desires.
One of the benefits of therapy is that it gives you the chance to look at what you tell yourself and where you got that belief. Once you’ve identified these things, you can ask yourself: is this belief working FOR ME or is it working AGAINST ME? In our work together, clients discover that they ARE worth taking care of, that they deserve things for themselves, and that they are important enough to have fun, excitement, and leisure in their lives. In fact, the people you are busy caring for NEED you to take better care of yourself. Those you care for, especially your children, learn by watching you. They’re noticing whether you are joyful, excited, or relaxed and what you do to feel that way, just as they are noticing how you care for others. The people you care for need you to take better care of yourself so that you can, in turn, continue to take care of them. Without taking care of yourself, eventually, you will have very little to give to those you love and may even become sick or injured and physically cannot care for them. It is crucial that you take care of yourself FIRST.
There are probably many ways that you care for others and leave yourself last. For example, do you spend your vacations visiting family members when you really long to go on your dream vacation? Maybe you cart your kids to their activities all week long without even carving out one hour for yourself. Perhaps you are in the sandwich generation: taking care of both your aging parents and your young children. Give it some thought. Do you cook delicious meals for others but, when it’s just you, eat cereal for dinner, or nothing at all? Do you take your kids on fun outings but can’t remember the last time you had a date with your spouse or went out with friends? Maybe you spend money on family members and not yourself. Perhaps you find yourself doing things that others want you to do even when you really don’t want to do them. Do you frequently get sick or injured while caring for others? If so, you are probably not taking care of yourself the way you should be.
Think about whether there are ways you could be taking even BETTER care of yourself. Maybe you exercise, which is a great way to care for yourself, without making time to stretch. Perhaps you don’t see the doctor or dentist regularly because you feel fine or because you’re afraid to go. Do you eat non-nutritious foods because you think you can’t cook or don’t have the time? Is your home messy and disorganized? Are you failing to save and invest a percentage of your income? Maybe you’ve always wanted to begin therapy or working with a coach for your own healing and growth but never made the time or took the first steps. Perhaps you’ve even stopped doing things that used to bring you joy, excitement, and relaxation.
Underneath these behaviors are probably things you tell yourself in your head. Things like, “I’m selfish to want these things,” or “I’d be a bad mother/father if I did things for myself.” Maybe you think, “These things aren’t important”, and “I don’t have the time to take care of myself.” On a deeper level you may believe, “I don’t deserve it,” or “I’m not important enough to have these things.” Children are not born with these beliefs that their own needs and wants aren’t important. They pick up these messages from their caregivers, society, or religion. If you watch children play and experience the world, you can see that they want what they want and they love having fun. They are unafraid to fulfill their own needs and desires.
One of the benefits of therapy is that it gives you the chance to look at what you tell yourself and where you got that belief. Once you’ve identified these things, you can ask yourself: is this belief working FOR ME or is it working AGAINST ME? In our work together, clients discover that they ARE worth taking care of, that they deserve things for themselves, and that they are important enough to have fun, excitement, and leisure in their lives. In fact, the people you are busy caring for NEED you to take better care of yourself. Those you care for, especially your children, learn by watching you. They’re noticing whether you are joyful, excited, or relaxed and what you do to feel that way, just as they are noticing how you care for others. The people you care for need you to take better care of yourself so that you can, in turn, continue to take care of them. Without taking care of yourself, eventually, you will have very little to give to those you love and may even become sick or injured and physically cannot care for them. It is crucial that you take care of yourself FIRST.
Wednesday, April 2, 2008
Discipline Your Kids With Love
So many people ask me to talk to them about how to discipline their children and teens. It’s understandable; we are not required to take parenting classes before having kids. The hospital just sends us home with a new baby and we think “now what do I do?” So we make it up as we go along and, consciously and unconsciously, call upon how we saw our parents do it. Most of this works just fine, but when problems arise, we may have little idea how to discipline our kids in helpful way.
I suspect people ask me to teach them about discipline because they want a way to intervene when their kid has done something wrong. In reality, discipline is a tool parents lovingly use to teach their kids how to keep themselves in control. The ultimate goal of discipline is self-discipline. This means that kids will do the right thing because they know this feels good and there are rewards in life for it. For example, maybe you have a house rule that kids must complete homework before watching TV. Indirectly, you are teaching kids that work comes before play. The goal is that your kids will carry this rule into their adulthood so they can structure their lives and be successful.
There is a danger in disciplining only as a means to punish. The danger is that your kids may come to see you as punitive and scary. Kids react to this type of parent either by becoming passive (the ‘good’ little boy or girl) or aggressive (physically & verbally violent) or withdrawn (not talking, then leaving home as soon as their able). Instead, discipline is a loving way to set rules for your kids so they can grow into adults who set rules for themselves. Discipline sometimes includes rewards and sometimes consequences, and always includes love.
So, I deliberately titled this article ‘Discipline Your Kids With Love’. Of course we love our children. When I talk about love here, I mean not the feeling, but the actions. When parenting and disciplining, I want you to always do these loving actions:
1) Appropriate affection, even with teens, such as hugs, backrubs, combing their hair.
2) Listening to what your child is saying by keeping silent and looking them in the eyes.
3) Spending time together.
4) Choosing words that value your child, not words that criticize and demean.
Love must accompany discipline for it to be effective. These loving actions are also how you reconnect after you’ve given a consequence. If you are loving and if your child feels loved and feels safe with you, he or she will respond when you need to put consequences in place. By respond, I mean that your child will not like the consequence, but will respect it and adhere to it. For example, my son will stay in his room until I come to get him out. Respecting and adhering to the consequences you’ve given will become increasingly important as they grow to teens. At that age, they are bigger and have more resources to override your consequences. For example, if they don’t respect you, you teen can call a friend to pick her up even if you’ve said she must stay in tonight.
Approach discipline with the intention of being a loving parent. Now, here are the specific steps:
1) Let your kids know what behavior you expect from them. For example: We talk to family members with respect. We ask before using someone else’s room or belongings.
2) Allow your kids to have input on what behavior they expect from themselves.
3) Motivate your kids to want to do these good behaviors with rewards. Rewards have a much greater impact getting your kids to behave than punishment does. Rewards are praise, affection, attention, offering to spend time together, a note or email saying you noticed, and, less importantly, gifts and food.
4) When kids violate this behavior, talk to them in a calm and respectful way. Staying calm and respectful is a loving way to parent. As much as you can, stay in control of your own anger and temptation to blame or shame them. It’s OK to pick a later time to talk about it after you’ve calmed down.
5) During this discussion, listen when your kids explain ‘their side’.
6) Choose a consequence. Involve your child in choosing it by asking them “What do you think your consequence should be?”. However, the parents have the final say.
7) Enforce the consequence. If you don’t stick to it, your kids will learn that you don’t mean what you say. Therefore, be really careful in which one you choose because it’s up to you to stay on top of it for the entire time.
8) Reconnect with your child with love. Tell your child that you love him/her, it was their behavior you didn’t like. Hug your child. Offer to spend time with them. Give them attention. Do not withdraw, therefore punishing them twice with the silent treatment.
Continue to show your child and teen that you love him/her even during the difficult times. If you discipline with love, your child will feel good about him/herself and will grow into an adult with self-discipline and self-love.
I suspect people ask me to teach them about discipline because they want a way to intervene when their kid has done something wrong. In reality, discipline is a tool parents lovingly use to teach their kids how to keep themselves in control. The ultimate goal of discipline is self-discipline. This means that kids will do the right thing because they know this feels good and there are rewards in life for it. For example, maybe you have a house rule that kids must complete homework before watching TV. Indirectly, you are teaching kids that work comes before play. The goal is that your kids will carry this rule into their adulthood so they can structure their lives and be successful.
There is a danger in disciplining only as a means to punish. The danger is that your kids may come to see you as punitive and scary. Kids react to this type of parent either by becoming passive (the ‘good’ little boy or girl) or aggressive (physically & verbally violent) or withdrawn (not talking, then leaving home as soon as their able). Instead, discipline is a loving way to set rules for your kids so they can grow into adults who set rules for themselves. Discipline sometimes includes rewards and sometimes consequences, and always includes love.
So, I deliberately titled this article ‘Discipline Your Kids With Love’. Of course we love our children. When I talk about love here, I mean not the feeling, but the actions. When parenting and disciplining, I want you to always do these loving actions:
1) Appropriate affection, even with teens, such as hugs, backrubs, combing their hair.
2) Listening to what your child is saying by keeping silent and looking them in the eyes.
3) Spending time together.
4) Choosing words that value your child, not words that criticize and demean.
Love must accompany discipline for it to be effective. These loving actions are also how you reconnect after you’ve given a consequence. If you are loving and if your child feels loved and feels safe with you, he or she will respond when you need to put consequences in place. By respond, I mean that your child will not like the consequence, but will respect it and adhere to it. For example, my son will stay in his room until I come to get him out. Respecting and adhering to the consequences you’ve given will become increasingly important as they grow to teens. At that age, they are bigger and have more resources to override your consequences. For example, if they don’t respect you, you teen can call a friend to pick her up even if you’ve said she must stay in tonight.
Approach discipline with the intention of being a loving parent. Now, here are the specific steps:
1) Let your kids know what behavior you expect from them. For example: We talk to family members with respect. We ask before using someone else’s room or belongings.
2) Allow your kids to have input on what behavior they expect from themselves.
3) Motivate your kids to want to do these good behaviors with rewards. Rewards have a much greater impact getting your kids to behave than punishment does. Rewards are praise, affection, attention, offering to spend time together, a note or email saying you noticed, and, less importantly, gifts and food.
4) When kids violate this behavior, talk to them in a calm and respectful way. Staying calm and respectful is a loving way to parent. As much as you can, stay in control of your own anger and temptation to blame or shame them. It’s OK to pick a later time to talk about it after you’ve calmed down.
5) During this discussion, listen when your kids explain ‘their side’.
6) Choose a consequence. Involve your child in choosing it by asking them “What do you think your consequence should be?”. However, the parents have the final say.
7) Enforce the consequence. If you don’t stick to it, your kids will learn that you don’t mean what you say. Therefore, be really careful in which one you choose because it’s up to you to stay on top of it for the entire time.
8) Reconnect with your child with love. Tell your child that you love him/her, it was their behavior you didn’t like. Hug your child. Offer to spend time with them. Give them attention. Do not withdraw, therefore punishing them twice with the silent treatment.
Continue to show your child and teen that you love him/her even during the difficult times. If you discipline with love, your child will feel good about him/herself and will grow into an adult with self-discipline and self-love.
Wednesday, January 2, 2008
Saying "No" Without Shaming
I smile when I recall having said, before I became a parent myself, “I’ll never say ‘no’ to my kids!” The reality of parenting (quite different from my former ideal) is that children need limits. Many times, setting these limits involves saying ‘no’. The question is: how do you say ‘no’ and still have a positive relationship with your child? We do this by setting boundaries without shaming.
We set boundaries by restricting our kids in ways that will keep them safe, healthy, and enable them to fit into society. When you find yourself saying ‘no’ you are setting boundaries. Although no child likes to be told ‘no’, setting limits can be less painful and more beneficial to your relationship when done without shaming. What do I mean by shaming? Shaming is an attitude of the parents that indirectly sends the message ‘you are bad or wrong’. This attitude is conveyed when you find yourself yelling, giving a critical look (a look you might remember seeing on your own parent’s face), or using hurtful words such as, “What are you? Stupid?”
Saying ‘no’ is a necessary role of parents, however, it can and should be done without the undertone that makes it shaming. A shaming undertone makes many children feel bad, afraid of their parents, and demeaned, or squashed, on the inside.
How do you set the limits that children need in a way that allows them to continue feeling good about themselves and their relationship with you? It is all about HOW you talk to them. Get down on your child’s level. Speak with a calm, even tone of voice. Tell your child, “I love you and you are a good boy/girl. What you did was not OK.” When you correct your children in a calm way without shaming, they continue to feel good about themselves as they learn how to be safe, healthy and fit into society. What’s more, you’re building a positive and loving relationship with your child.
We set boundaries by restricting our kids in ways that will keep them safe, healthy, and enable them to fit into society. When you find yourself saying ‘no’ you are setting boundaries. Although no child likes to be told ‘no’, setting limits can be less painful and more beneficial to your relationship when done without shaming. What do I mean by shaming? Shaming is an attitude of the parents that indirectly sends the message ‘you are bad or wrong’. This attitude is conveyed when you find yourself yelling, giving a critical look (a look you might remember seeing on your own parent’s face), or using hurtful words such as, “What are you? Stupid?”
Saying ‘no’ is a necessary role of parents, however, it can and should be done without the undertone that makes it shaming. A shaming undertone makes many children feel bad, afraid of their parents, and demeaned, or squashed, on the inside.
How do you set the limits that children need in a way that allows them to continue feeling good about themselves and their relationship with you? It is all about HOW you talk to them. Get down on your child’s level. Speak with a calm, even tone of voice. Tell your child, “I love you and you are a good boy/girl. What you did was not OK.” When you correct your children in a calm way without shaming, they continue to feel good about themselves as they learn how to be safe, healthy and fit into society. What’s more, you’re building a positive and loving relationship with your child.
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