Discipline Your Kids With Love

So many people ask me to talk to them about how to discipline their children and teens. It’s understandable; we are not required to take parenting classes before having kids. The hospital just sends us home with a new baby and we think “now what do I do?” So we make it up as we go along and, consciously and unconsciously, call upon how we saw our parents do it. Most of this works just fine, but when problems arise, we may have little idea how to discipline our kids in helpful way.

I suspect people ask me to teach them about discipline because they want a way to intervene when their kid has done something wrong. In reality, discipline is a tool parents lovingly use to teach their kids how to keep themselves in control. The ultimate goal of discipline is self-discipline. This means that kids will do the right thing because they know this feels good and there are rewards in life for it. For example, maybe you have a house rule that kids must complete homework before watching TV. Indirectly, you are teaching kids that work comes before play. The goal is that your kids will carry this rule into their adulthood so they can structure their lives and be successful.

There is a danger in disciplining only as a means to punish. The danger is that your kids may come to see you as punitive and scary. Kids react to this type of parent either by becoming passive (the ‘good’ little boy or girl) or aggressive (physically & verbally violent) or withdrawn (not talking, then leaving home as soon as their able). Instead, discipline is a loving way to set rules for your kids so they can grow into adults who set rules for themselves. Discipline sometimes includes rewards and sometimes consequences, and always includes love.

So, I deliberately titled this article ‘Discipline Your Kids With Love’. Of course we love our children. When I talk about love here, I mean not the feeling, but the actions. When parenting and disciplining, I want you to always do these loving actions:
1) Appropriate affection, even with teens, such as hugs, backrubs, combing their hair.
2) Listening to what your child is saying by keeping silent and looking them in the eyes.
3) Spending time together.
4) Choosing words that value your child, not words that criticize and demean.

Love must accompany discipline for it to be effective. These loving actions are also how you reconnect after you’ve given a consequence. If you are loving and if your child feels loved and feels safe with you, he or she will respond when you need to put consequences in place. By respond, I mean that your child will not like the consequence, but will respect it and adhere to it. For example, my son will stay in his room until I come to get him out. Respecting and adhering to the consequences you’ve given will become increasingly important as they grow to teens. At that age, they are bigger and have more resources to override your consequences. For example, if they don’t respect you, you teen can call a friend to pick her up even if you’ve said she must stay in tonight.

Approach discipline with the intention of being a loving parent. Now, here are the specific steps:
1) Let your kids know what behavior you expect from them. For example: We talk to family members with respect. We ask before using someone else’s room or belongings.
2) Allow your kids to have input on what behavior they expect from themselves.
3) Motivate your kids to want to do these good behaviors with rewards. Rewards have a much greater impact getting your kids to behave than punishment does. Rewards are praise, affection, attention, offering to spend time together, a note or email saying you noticed, and, less importantly, gifts and food.
4) When kids violate this behavior, talk to them in a calm and respectful way. Staying calm and respectful is a loving way to parent. As much as you can, stay in control of your own anger and temptation to blame or shame them. It’s OK to pick a later time to talk about it after you’ve calmed down.
5) During this discussion, listen when your kids explain ‘their side’.
6) Choose a consequence. Involve your child in choosing it by asking them “What do you think your consequence should be?”. However, the parents have the final say.
7) Enforce the consequence. If you don’t stick to it, your kids will learn that you don’t mean what you say. Therefore, be really careful in which one you choose because it’s up to you to stay on top of it for the entire time.
8) Reconnect with your child with love. Tell your child that you love him/her, it was their behavior you didn’t like. Hug your child. Offer to spend time with them. Give them attention. Do not withdraw, therefore punishing them twice with the silent treatment.

Continue to show your child and teen that you love him/her even during the difficult times. If you discipline with love, your child will feel good about him/herself and will grow into an adult with self-discipline and self-love.