Angry Feelings: What to Do When They’re Aimed At Your Therapist

Have you ever felt anger or irritation toward your therapist? Anger is a strong emotion that can arise anytime you interact with someone. Although it is normal and common to feel angry, you might be surprised when angry feelings are directed at your therapist. The anger may have been caused by something your therapist did or said. It may have been caused by something your therapist failed to do or say. Whatever its cause, you may wonder how to handle it. If this has happened to you, how did you react? Did you keep silent about it, telling yourself that you were being silly? Did you fail to speak up for fear of upsetting him/her? Maybe you mentioned your feelings in a roundabout way with a small or sarcastic comment. Perhaps you missed your next session for one reason or another, left therapy suddenly or without saying goodbye. Maybe you even told your therapist that you felt angry with him/her.
How you react to your anger is often connected to how it was expressed in your family growing up. Were you told, either with words or indirectly, that it’s okay to be angry? Or did your parents say, ‘don’t be silly,’ ‘grow up,’ or ‘get over it’ when you felt upset? Maybe your parents never showed their anger. Or perhaps they always showed it with violence or yelling. Either way, the overt or covert messages you got during childhood are often evident in how you handle your anger today. If anger was discouraged, or a very negative experience, it may be difficult for you to show your anger now. In addition, it may be difficult for you to even be aware of your anger at all.
Therapy is designed so that your therapist is a safe person with whom you can talk about all that you are experiencing. And yes, sometimes what you experience includes anger at your therapist. It’s okay to express this anger during therapy sessions. The danger if you don’t is you may end up feeling resentment toward someone you used to feel cared for by. If you are hesitant to share your anger in therapy, begin by asking yourself, ‘what am I concerned will happen?’ Then, when you decide to tell your therapist about your anger/irritation, start by stating this concern. Through this process, you will learn a new, safe way to express anger with your therapist, and with others in your life. You will come to see that both you and your therapist can tolerate your anger, and that you can remain connected through all that you experience together.