Saying "No" Without Shaming

I smile when I recall having said, before I became a parent myself, “I’ll never say ‘no’ to my kids!” The reality of parenting (quite different from my former ideal) is that children need limits. Many times, setting these limits involves saying ‘no’. The question is: how do you say ‘no’ and still have a positive relationship with your child? We do this by setting boundaries without shaming.
We set boundaries by restricting our kids in ways that will keep them safe, healthy, and enable them to fit into society. When you find yourself saying ‘no’ you are setting boundaries. Although no child likes to be told ‘no’, setting limits can be less painful and more beneficial to your relationship when done without shaming. What do I mean by shaming? Shaming is an attitude of the parents that indirectly sends the message ‘you are bad or wrong’. This attitude is conveyed when you find yourself yelling, giving a critical look (a look you might remember seeing on your own parent’s face), or using hurtful words such as, “What are you? Stupid?”
Saying ‘no’ is a necessary role of parents, however, it can and should be done without the undertone that makes it shaming. A shaming undertone makes many children feel bad, afraid of their parents, and demeaned, or squashed, on the inside.
How do you set the limits that children need in a way that allows them to continue feeling good about themselves and their relationship with you? It is all about HOW you talk to them. Get down on your child’s level. Speak with a calm, even tone of voice. Tell your child, “I love you and you are a good boy/girl. What you did was not OK.” When you correct your children in a calm way without shaming, they continue to feel good about themselves as they learn how to be safe, healthy and fit into society. What’s more, you’re building a positive and loving relationship with your child.