Saying "No" Without Shaming

I smile when I recall having said, before I became a parent myself, “I’ll never say ‘no’ to my kids!” The reality of parenting (quite different from my former ideal) is that children need limits. Many times, setting these limits involves saying ‘no’. The question is: how do you say ‘no’ and still have a positive relationship with your child? We do this by setting boundaries without shaming.
We set boundaries by restricting our kids in ways that will keep them safe, healthy, and enable them to fit into society. When you find yourself saying ‘no’ you are setting boundaries. Although no child likes to be told ‘no’, setting limits can be less painful and more beneficial to your relationship when done without shaming. What do I mean by shaming? Shaming is an attitude of the parents that indirectly sends the message ‘you are bad or wrong’. This attitude is conveyed when you find yourself yelling, giving a critical look (a look you might remember seeing on your own parent’s face), or using hurtful words such as, “What are you? Stupid?”
Saying ‘no’ is a necessary role of parents, however, it can and should be done without the undertone that makes it shaming. A shaming undertone makes many children feel bad, afraid of their parents, and demeaned, or squashed, on the inside.
How do you set the limits that children need in a way that allows them to continue feeling good about themselves and their relationship with you? It is all about HOW you talk to them. Get down on your child’s level. Speak with a calm, even tone of voice. Tell your child, “I love you and you are a good boy/girl. What you did was not OK.” When you correct your children in a calm way without shaming, they continue to feel good about themselves as they learn how to be safe, healthy and fit into society. What’s more, you’re building a positive and loving relationship with your child.

Supportive Relationships: Making New Year’s Resolutions Successful

Ever wonder why people resolve to make a change, yet the change only lasts a short time and then it’s back to the old habit? Did this happen to you and then did you admonish yourself for not having stronger will power? If so, you may be surprised to learn that change is not about will power and toughing it out. Lasting change happens with the support of relationships.
In order to successfully make changes in your life, you must have a relationship that is emotionally supportive. This means that the other person must be trustworthy and accept you as you are. They should make you feel safe and should be loyal, even when you stumble or fail. The person must genuinely care about your growth and be able to put aside their own "stuff" when they are supporting you. There can’t be any hidden agendas or desire to secretly influence you. The person's primary motive for helping you must be your growth, rather than their gain. Of course, your supportive person is not perfect and will falter at times. However, your supportive person should show these characteristics most of the time. The person who fulfills these requirements can challenge you to become the best person you can be, effectively bringing about the changes you desire.
So, how does change come from being in a relationship with this type of person? Let's consider two ways we can change: eliminating a "bad" habit and beginning a good habit. We all want to eliminate our “bad” habits. Underneath, are they self-soothing or a distraction from what's hurting you? In the presence of a safe person, you can explore and release what is hurting you. The "bad" habit will then disappear without requiring any will power on your part.
In addition to helping rid us of “bad” habits, a relationship with an accepting person can be very helpful in developing habits we know are good for us. In the presence of this person, we feel loved even when we fail. It is this love that propels us toward becoming our best selves.
Who will give this kind of support? The supportive person could be your spouse, your mentor, a friend, or a clergy member. For many, this person is their therapist. The role of a therapist is to be accepting, safe, loyal, caring, genuine, motivating, challenging, and respectful. It effectively fills the requirements and is the type of relationship necessary to bring about positive change. If you’ve been thinking about beginning or resuming therapy, consider how your relationship with a therapist can help you grow into who you want to be. Has something been getting in the way of you starting therapy? Isn't it time you find that supportive relationship within which you can make positive changes and become the person you want to be?