Successful Marriage: Connecting Emotionally during Sex

A successful marriage includes time for connecting. There are many ways to connect with your partner, such as spending time together, laughing and having fun, affection, talking, being emotionally vulnerable with your partner, sexual contact, and any other way that makes you feel close. In this article, I’ll focus on sexual contact as one way for partners to connect. Sexual contact includes different things for different couples. For some, it includes intercourse and for other couples, it does not. The important thing is that both partners are in agreement about what sexual contact is.
For some couples, sexual contact is mostly a physical experience to express sexual feelings, to release tension, and/or to feel good. For others, it includes an emotional connection. If your sexual experiences with your partner are primarily physical, I’m writing to invite you to consider exploring this emotional dimension of your relationship. Emotional connection means showing your partner your emotions and, in a loving relationship, your partner responds with caring; perhaps with words, or a gaze, or a touch. Emotional connection is a form of intimacy between partners. Consider the secret, and not so secret, desires of adults: to belong, to be loved, to be wanted, to be appreciated, and to be accepted for who we are. Having these desires met by your partner can be a very intimate experience. Yet, at the same time we crave it, intimacy is scary. We may purposely, or unconsciously, do things to avoid intimacy: we may look away from our partner’s gaze, we may fantasize about someone else during sex, we may keep our eyes closed, we may keep emotion separate from sex, we may want sex with someone we hardly know, and we may avoid sexual contact.
The interactions between couples outside the bedroom definitely effect what happens inside the bedroom. There are some qualities of a relationship that tend to make sex more emotionally satisfying: equality, understanding, trust, communication, and caring.
Another aspect of emotional closeness which may make sexual contact more satisfying is mindfulness. Mindfulness means we allow ourselves to be in the present moment. We notice and can experience all of our senses (sight, sound, touch, taste, and smell). We are thinking about what we are experiencing right here and right now. It also provides the chance to be so focused that we lose track of time. When we are with our partner in this way during sexual contact we take in all that we are experiencing through our bodies and other senses right here and right now. Other thoughts, preoccupations, memories, expectations, and awareness of time are put aside. Who we truly are in our heart is allowed to arise and be noticed by the one we love. Who are partner is in his/her heart is allowed to arise and be noticed by us. Noticed, experienced, and taken in. Perhaps you have experienced this intimacy with another human being when you looked into their eyes and could see their soul, or when your heart felt as if it was reaching out of your body and connecting with your partner’s heart, or when your bodies were as close to one another as is physically possible and it felt as if your souls were joined. Sounds like romance? Sex within marriage can also give us this opportunity. When we are emotionally connected and mindful with our partner during sexual contact, this intimacy is available to us.
When couples have an emotional connection during sexual contact, this can bond couples. It is one type of glue that holds couples together. A bond of any type greatly helps couples weather the inevitable conflicts of the relationship. You become more able to tolerate the ups and downs because you know that right alongside the anger and hurt you sometimes feel is the love between you. The love you’ve given and received during moments of bonding with your spouse. Connecting sexually and emotionally can be part of a successful marriage.

Changing Our Brains: What Neuroscience Teaches Us

Are our brains changeable? What occurs in the mind when we learn? How do experiences impact our brain? With the help of modern science, we’ve found the answers to some of these questions - and the answers have amazing implications for our interpersonal relationships. Neuroscience illustrates how our brains learn the things that our parents teach us and how the behavior that they model impacts our thought processes and reactions. The physiological effects that emotional experiences and attachment (the ability of a loved one to perceive and respond to our emotions) have on the brain are apparent. We can actually see how our mental processes are shaped by our experiences. In fact, according to Daniel J. Siegel, author of The Developing Mind, “Human connections shape the neural connections from which the mind emerges.” In addition, scientists have discovered that our brains are changeable at any age. This means that we have the ability to reshape our mental processes and replace unhealthy reactions or bad habits with new, healthier behaviors at any point in our lives.
Science uses brain imaging and electroencephalograms (EEG’s) to examine activity between neurons in the brain. Neurons are cells that send and receive electro-chemical signals to and from the brain and nervous system. These signals transmit information. Thus, the mind is created out of the physical form of neurons transmitting these signals. Each neuron has an average of ten thousand connections that link it directly to other neurons. The neurons send out electrical impulses that release neurotransmitters. The neurotransmitters travel through the spaces between neurons (synapses), to other neurons, activating them. As one neuron affects another and another, pathways are created. The information we have gleaned from our experiences activates certain pathways between neurons. When we have repeated experiences, certain pathways are strengthened and the brain becomes conditioned to use these pathways again. This increases the probability that when one specific neuron is fired it will send a neurotransmitter to a certain other neuron. In turn, the probability is increased that when we experience one event or emotion, we will then react with a certain behavior. However, when we have new and different experiences, different pathways are activated. As these experiences are repeated, the brain activity shifts and this new pathway becomes the one most likely to be used. In this way, our experiences shape the activity in our brains. And because science can now measure neuronal activity, we are able to see that our brains are capable of changing throughout our lifetime.
Let’s look at an example of this. A young child gains information about the world and relationships through his or her experiences. We now know that this directly impacts the brain. Imagine a young boy named Rob who, like all of us, looks to his parents for love and attention. However, Rob’s parents don’t respond to him. In fact, Rob is largely ignored by his parents. In order to get their attention, Rob tries more dramatic behavior: being naughty. This gets his parent’s attention, but it is negative attention in the form of scolding, shaming, and punishment. So, inside Rob’s brain, pathways between wanting attention and misbehaving are activated. Because this happens repeatedly, these pathways become deeply ingrained. Rob grows up with a physiological ‘connection’ in his brain between getting attention and misbehaving. You can imagine how this shows up in his life when he’s a teen!
The good news, now supported by neuroscience, is that our brain is changeable and new connections can be formed in the brain. Fortunately for Rob, he becomes involved in a relationship with a person whose brain has a connection between wanting attention and getting it in healthy ways (asking for it, being loving to elicit it, et cetera). Rob finds that when he uses these healthy ways, he gets the attention he craves. As a result, the old neuronal pathway becomes ‘pruned’ and a new one is created. Over time, this new pathway becomes ingrained and the more probable one the brain will use when Rob has a need for attention. Not only did he change his behavior and learn to do things differently, but his brain has changed as well.
Just as Rob changed his behavior and neuronal pathways, you can too. Neuroscience supports the theory that you can learn new behaviors, break habits and find new ways of interacting to get what you need. This holds true in your personal life, friendships, work relationships and your marriage. As it did in Rob’s relationship, your relationship or marriage can actually help heal you. So can working with a therapist you trust. Together, you can introduce new, healthier behaviors and reinforce new pathways in your brain. You are not destined to keep repeating old patterns. You have the ability to change so that you can live the life you deserve and have the close, loving relationship that you desire.

Successful Marriage: Together Out of Love, Not Insecurity

What do some couples have that other couples don’t? Successful couples are together out of love. They enjoy being with each other. They genuinely like spending time with their spouse. They may do some activities together that they both enjoy. They may feel safe and secure when their spouse is around. They may look forward to being intimate and sexual with each other. They may like talking and listening to one another.
Most relationships start in Romantic Love. In this first stage, couples come together because they are in love and because they love being with this person. Yet, even then, they were together because of how the other made them feel. This new boyfriend or girlfriend made them feel loved, cherished, desired, elated, and ecstatic. Other feelings were alleviated or disappeared: loneliness, isolation, feeling unloved, unwanted, or afraid. In this stage, we are not only in love with our new partner, we are in love with how we feel.
As I’ve written about before, Romantic Love fades and all relationships move into the next stage. Imago Relationship Therapy calls the next stage the Power Struggle. Here, the high of being in love has worn off. The couple has their first fight or begins to feel some of those difficult feelings again: loneliness, isolation, unloved, unwanted, and/or afraid. Each person’s old defenses come back and each person may react by blaming, shaming or criticizing or with silence or withdrawal. Couples who choose to explore what these conflicts are about move into the next several stages: Re-Commitment, Doing the Work, Awakening, and Real Love. These are couples who stay together because of love.
Other couples remain in the Power Struggle. These couples are together, in part, to alleviate their own insecurities. Even though the relationship they’re in is incredibly difficult at times, this feels preferable to feelings connected to insecurity: fear, loneliness, isolation, powerlessness, and shame. This can show up in a number of ways. Perhaps your spouse provides financially, so you remain to avoid the fear of being poor and deprived. Perhaps your partner cares for you by keeping the house or preparing the meals, so you remain to avoid having to learn to do these things for yourself. Perhaps your concerned that family or friends or your community would frown on divorce, so you stay in the marriage to avoid feeling ashamed. Perhaps you feel physically safe living with someone, so you stay to avoid living alone and fearing for your safety. Perhaps you like having a sexual partner, so you stay to avoid having no rewarding sexual outlet or to avoid dating again. Perhaps your spouse brings you social status, so you stay to avoid isolation or anonymity.
Are you in your relationship, in part, to avoid feeling these things? If you ended the relationship would you feel ashamed, lonely, afraid, or uncared for? If you entered couples therapy and were willing to explore these conflicts with your spouse, would you feel scared of, vulnerable in front of, and/or angry with your spouse?
As the gifted therapist Chloe Madanes wrote, “The couple has to make the shift from wanting to be together because it helps each partner with their difficulties to wanting to be together because they enjoy one another.” Couples therapy helps couples shift from being together out of their own insecurities to being together out of love. Couples therapy is a chance to explore what you are concerned or insecure about. Many couples find that just saying out loud what their concern is alleviates its intensity. It just doesn’t sound as bad as they told themselves it would be. Plus, by saying it aloud, the concern comes into your conscious awareness where it can be effectively dealt with. Each person then moves to finding a way to take care of themselves or rely on others, not only the spouse, to get this concern met. This process, together with another important feature of Imago Relationship Therapy: increasing fun and appreciation, shifts couples to being together because they genuinely like begin with one another. Enjoying one another is an important feature of a successful marriage.

Don’t be Misled By the Stuff in Your Head

Have you ever heard the quote “When you assume, you make an ‘ass’ out of ‘u’ and ‘me’”? When I first heard this, I cracked up because I knew it was true. We all have a tendency to let our imaginations take over as we invent stories and explanations for other people’s behavior. While the basis for these imaginings is founded in the reality of what we actually saw or heard, our assumptions are not always entirely correct. In fact, many times these assumptions get us into a lot of difficulty that could otherwise be avoided. When we let conjectures and speculation go unchecked in our personal lives, they can grow bigger and affect how we are feeling. Grudges, resentments, and misunderstandings build and build until relationships feel strained beyond repair.
It might start with a small comment. For example, imagine that your neighbor says to you, “Thanks for asking me over for pizza. Not this week. Maybe some other time.” You may take it to mean your neighbor doesn’t really want to be with you and is putting you off. Then later when you talked to her she may have said, “You have a big dog and she scares me. I’m embarrassed about that and didn’t want to tell you.” In this case, your initial assumption (that she was putting you off) was way off the mark. Unfortunately, instead of clarifying the situation immediately, you spent time needlessly worrying whether you had inadvertently offended your neighbor or whether she just didn’t like you.
In order to avoid this type of miscommunication, it’s important that you stop yourself before your mind takes over the situation. Pay attention to the thoughts you are having and consider whether they are based in reality or whether they are speculations colored by your emotions. Recognize that your interpretation of things is just one meaning. Assumptions are just one meaning: yours. Perhaps the person had a completely different reason for saying or doing what they did. Tell someone you trust, such as your therapist, a friend, or your spouse about what it is that your are assuming. Talking to one of these individuals will show you that there are different possible meanings to what was said. Ideally, though, the best way to get the truth is to talk to the person directly by saying, “When you did/said that, I took it to mean… Is that what you meant?” You won’t know for certain unless you ask. Although it may be challenging at times, the gold hidden here is the chance for a deeper, more real, relationship with that person. And that’s worth trying for.

Angry Feelings: What to Do When They’re Aimed At Your Therapist

Have you ever felt anger or irritation toward your therapist? Anger is a strong emotion that can arise anytime you interact with someone. Although it is normal and common to feel angry, you might be surprised when angry feelings are directed at your therapist. The anger may have been caused by something your therapist did or said. It may have been caused by something your therapist failed to do or say. Whatever its cause, you may wonder how to handle it. If this has happened to you, how did you react? Did you keep silent about it, telling yourself that you were being silly? Did you fail to speak up for fear of upsetting him/her? Maybe you mentioned your feelings in a roundabout way with a small or sarcastic comment. Perhaps you missed your next session for one reason or another, left therapy suddenly or without saying goodbye. Maybe you even told your therapist that you felt angry with him/her.
How you react to your anger is often connected to how it was expressed in your family growing up. Were you told, either with words or indirectly, that it’s okay to be angry? Or did your parents say, ‘don’t be silly,’ ‘grow up,’ or ‘get over it’ when you felt upset? Maybe your parents never showed their anger. Or perhaps they always showed it with violence or yelling. Either way, the overt or covert messages you got during childhood are often evident in how you handle your anger today. If anger was discouraged, or a very negative experience, it may be difficult for you to show your anger now. In addition, it may be difficult for you to even be aware of your anger at all.
Therapy is designed so that your therapist is a safe person with whom you can talk about all that you are experiencing. And yes, sometimes what you experience includes anger at your therapist. It’s okay to express this anger during therapy sessions. The danger if you don’t is you may end up feeling resentment toward someone you used to feel cared for by. If you are hesitant to share your anger in therapy, begin by asking yourself, ‘what am I concerned will happen?’ Then, when you decide to tell your therapist about your anger/irritation, start by stating this concern. Through this process, you will learn a new, safe way to express anger with your therapist, and with others in your life. You will come to see that both you and your therapist can tolerate your anger, and that you can remain connected through all that you experience together.

Open to Love: Freeing Yourself From Being Protected, yet Isolated

Let me tell you a story I heard from a gifted Imago therapist and trainer named Maya Kollman. The story is about a woman who loves walking on the beach. The woman’s bare feet sink into the warm sand with each step. Without shoes, she feels free and natural. The woman walks like this every day, until she steps on a sharp shell and cuts her foot. The woman is surprised. Her foot is bleeding and it hurts. The next time she walks on the beach, she wears flip-flops to protect her feet from shells. After several days, the side of her foot brushes against a beached jellyfish. The woman’s foot stings and itches. So, the next time she walks on the beach the woman wears sneakers. This works for several days, until the woman stubs her toe on the rocks of the jetty. Frustrated, the woman decides to wear boots for her walks on the sand. She has been hurt so many times and she has finally found a way to keep her feet safe. However, the woman has become so concerned with protecting her feet that she has lost the wonderful experience of feeling the sand beneath her feet and between her toes. She misses feeling the texture, coarse and dry or silky and cool, and she misses feeling the connection to nature.

As we walk through life, both joy and hurt are part of the journey. Yet, it is our natural reaction to pull away from the things that hurt us, whether they are physical or emotional. Although it is extremely scary to be vulnerable to these hurts, the alternative is even worse: isolation. While others can’t hurt us when we isolate ourselves, we also cannot receive love and caring. This is a profound conundrum. Our hearts are protected, but they are also closed to love. And what greater pleasure is there on this journey than to love and be loved? As M. Scott Peck says, to love is to be fully invested in the spiritual growth of another. How divine to love and to be loved in this way! It is exquisite.

So, how do we live with this paradox? We must open our hearts by carefully choosing a person who feels safe. If this person is your spouse, how wonderful! It is important to realize, though, that the person who feels safe may not be your spouse at first. This may surprise you, especially coming from a marriage counselor. However, if your marriage has a history of many hurts that have not yet been talked about and worked through, your partner may not feel like a safe person. You might feel safer being open with your therapist or a trusted friend. This first experience will teach you what it feels like to be open. Through this experiment, you can come to know in your heart that you can be open, survive it, and even relish it. After that, you can begin to open your heart to your spouse.

It is important to recognize that there will be hurt sometimes, even with someone who is safe and even with your spouse. This is because the other person is human, too, makes mistakes and has faults of his or her own. He or she may unintentionally do or say something hurtful. When this happens, and it will, allow yourself to feel the hurt and to talk about it with him or her. Part of a close relationship is being able to discuss everything that happens between you. If you both feel heard and understood, talking about a hurt can move the relationship or marriage even closer. Only then, with openness and vulnerability, can love grow in your marriage. As humans, we need one another. We need to love and to be loved. By opening yourself to love, you will feel the divine joy that you deserve.

The Dark Thoughts of Parenting

As a parent, have you ever had thoughts about harming your children and then immediately wondered, “What kind of parent would think that?”  The kind of thoughts I’m referring to are imagining being aggressive toward your children, demeaning to them, being violent or sexual with them, or hurting them in some other way.  Since having negative or “bad” thoughts like this is rarely talked about, having these thoughts can make you feel scared and alone.  If you look at most depictions of “good” parenting in the media, you’ll see that “good” parents always look loving, calm, and giving.  We are sent an underlying message that it’s only the “bad” parents who would think these things.  In reality, having these thoughts and feelings is a normal experience that happens in almost all parents.  
Now, I want to make a clear distinction here between the thought and the action: thinking is different from doing.  Although many of these thoughts are normal and common, to act them out is never okay.  It is never appropriate to be sexual with or intentionally hurtful toward your children.  In addition, preoccupation with these feelings (i.e. having them most days or for long periods of time without relief) can be a sign of post partum depression and should lead a person to consult a physician or mental health professional.  
Simply having these dark thoughts as a parent, and as a human being, however, is part of the experience.  We each have the capacity for both good and evil inside of ourselves. Thankfully, we’re also endowed with the ability to be conscious of our thoughts, to control our actions, and to manage our feelings.  Being conscious, in this case, is about noticing your feelings when these thoughts come to mind.  Are you experiencing stress, anger, exhaustion, worry or loneliness?  The best way you can help yourself with these thoughts and feelings is to share them with your therapist, your spouse, or a trusted friend.  They can support you and help keep you in control so that, in spite of having the occasional “bad” thought, you continue to act as a loving parent.