A successful marriage includes time for connecting. There are many ways to connect with your partner, such as spending time together, laughing and having fun, affection, talking, being emotionally vulnerable with your partner, sexual contact, and any other way that makes you feel close. In this article, I’ll focus on sexual contact as one way for partners to connect. Sexual contact includes different things for different couples. For some, it includes intercourse and for other couples, it does not. The important thing is that both partners are in agreement about what sexual contact is.
For some couples, sexual contact is mostly a physical experience to express sexual feelings, to release tension, and/or to feel good. For others, it includes an emotional connection. If your sexual experiences with your partner are primarily physical, I’m writing to invite you to consider exploring this emotional dimension of your relationship. Emotional connection means showing your partner your emotions and, in a loving relationship, your partner responds with caring; perhaps with words, or a gaze, or a touch. Emotional connection is a form of intimacy between partners. Consider the secret, and not so secret, desires of adults: to belong, to be loved, to be wanted, to be appreciated, and to be accepted for who we are. Having these desires met by your partner can be a very intimate experience. Yet, at the same time we crave it, intimacy is scary. We may purposely, or unconsciously, do things to avoid intimacy: we may look away from our partner’s gaze, we may fantasize about someone else during sex, we may keep our eyes closed, we may keep emotion separate from sex, we may want sex with someone we hardly know, and we may avoid sexual contact.
The interactions between couples outside the bedroom definitely effect what happens inside the bedroom. There are some qualities of a relationship that tend to make sex more emotionally satisfying: equality, understanding, trust, communication, and caring.
Another aspect of emotional closeness which may make sexual contact more satisfying is mindfulness. Mindfulness means we allow ourselves to be in the present moment. We notice and can experience all of our senses (sight, sound, touch, taste, and smell). We are thinking about what we are experiencing right here and right now. It also provides the chance to be so focused that we lose track of time. When we are with our partner in this way during sexual contact we take in all that we are experiencing through our bodies and other senses right here and right now. Other thoughts, preoccupations, memories, expectations, and awareness of time are put aside. Who we truly are in our heart is allowed to arise and be noticed by the one we love. Who are partner is in his/her heart is allowed to arise and be noticed by us. Noticed, experienced, and taken in. Perhaps you have experienced this intimacy with another human being when you looked into their eyes and could see their soul, or when your heart felt as if it was reaching out of your body and connecting with your partner’s heart, or when your bodies were as close to one another as is physically possible and it felt as if your souls were joined. Sounds like romance? Sex within marriage can also give us this opportunity. When we are emotionally connected and mindful with our partner during sexual contact, this intimacy is available to us.
When couples have an emotional connection during sexual contact, this can bond couples. It is one type of glue that holds couples together. A bond of any type greatly helps couples weather the inevitable conflicts of the relationship. You become more able to tolerate the ups and downs because you know that right alongside the anger and hurt you sometimes feel is the love between you. The love you’ve given and received during moments of bonding with your spouse. Connecting sexually and emotionally can be part of a successful marriage.
Showing posts with label connection. Show all posts
Showing posts with label connection. Show all posts
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Monday, December 22, 2008
Changing Our Brains: What Neuroscience Teaches Us
Are our brains changeable? What occurs in the mind when we learn? How do experiences impact our brain? With the help of modern science, we’ve found the answers to some of these questions - and the answers have amazing implications for our interpersonal relationships. Neuroscience illustrates how our brains learn the things that our parents teach us and how the behavior that they model impacts our thought processes and reactions. The physiological effects that emotional experiences and attachment (the ability of a loved one to perceive and respond to our emotions) have on the brain are apparent. We can actually see how our mental processes are shaped by our experiences. In fact, according to Daniel J. Siegel, author of The Developing Mind, “Human connections shape the neural connections from which the mind emerges.” In addition, scientists have discovered that our brains are changeable at any age. This means that we have the ability to reshape our mental processes and replace unhealthy reactions or bad habits with new, healthier behaviors at any point in our lives.
Science uses brain imaging and electroencephalograms (EEG’s) to examine activity between neurons in the brain. Neurons are cells that send and receive electro-chemical signals to and from the brain and nervous system. These signals transmit information. Thus, the mind is created out of the physical form of neurons transmitting these signals. Each neuron has an average of ten thousand connections that link it directly to other neurons. The neurons send out electrical impulses that release neurotransmitters. The neurotransmitters travel through the spaces between neurons (synapses), to other neurons, activating them. As one neuron affects another and another, pathways are created. The information we have gleaned from our experiences activates certain pathways between neurons. When we have repeated experiences, certain pathways are strengthened and the brain becomes conditioned to use these pathways again. This increases the probability that when one specific neuron is fired it will send a neurotransmitter to a certain other neuron. In turn, the probability is increased that when we experience one event or emotion, we will then react with a certain behavior. However, when we have new and different experiences, different pathways are activated. As these experiences are repeated, the brain activity shifts and this new pathway becomes the one most likely to be used. In this way, our experiences shape the activity in our brains. And because science can now measure neuronal activity, we are able to see that our brains are capable of changing throughout our lifetime.
Let’s look at an example of this. A young child gains information about the world and relationships through his or her experiences. We now know that this directly impacts the brain. Imagine a young boy named Rob who, like all of us, looks to his parents for love and attention. However, Rob’s parents don’t respond to him. In fact, Rob is largely ignored by his parents. In order to get their attention, Rob tries more dramatic behavior: being naughty. This gets his parent’s attention, but it is negative attention in the form of scolding, shaming, and punishment. So, inside Rob’s brain, pathways between wanting attention and misbehaving are activated. Because this happens repeatedly, these pathways become deeply ingrained. Rob grows up with a physiological ‘connection’ in his brain between getting attention and misbehaving. You can imagine how this shows up in his life when he’s a teen!
The good news, now supported by neuroscience, is that our brain is changeable and new connections can be formed in the brain. Fortunately for Rob, he becomes involved in a relationship with a person whose brain has a connection between wanting attention and getting it in healthy ways (asking for it, being loving to elicit it, et cetera). Rob finds that when he uses these healthy ways, he gets the attention he craves. As a result, the old neuronal pathway becomes ‘pruned’ and a new one is created. Over time, this new pathway becomes ingrained and the more probable one the brain will use when Rob has a need for attention. Not only did he change his behavior and learn to do things differently, but his brain has changed as well.
Just as Rob changed his behavior and neuronal pathways, you can too. Neuroscience supports the theory that you can learn new behaviors, break habits and find new ways of interacting to get what you need. This holds true in your personal life, friendships, work relationships and your marriage. As it did in Rob’s relationship, your relationship or marriage can actually help heal you. So can working with a therapist you trust. Together, you can introduce new, healthier behaviors and reinforce new pathways in your brain. You are not destined to keep repeating old patterns. You have the ability to change so that you can live the life you deserve and have the close, loving relationship that you desire.
Science uses brain imaging and electroencephalograms (EEG’s) to examine activity between neurons in the brain. Neurons are cells that send and receive electro-chemical signals to and from the brain and nervous system. These signals transmit information. Thus, the mind is created out of the physical form of neurons transmitting these signals. Each neuron has an average of ten thousand connections that link it directly to other neurons. The neurons send out electrical impulses that release neurotransmitters. The neurotransmitters travel through the spaces between neurons (synapses), to other neurons, activating them. As one neuron affects another and another, pathways are created. The information we have gleaned from our experiences activates certain pathways between neurons. When we have repeated experiences, certain pathways are strengthened and the brain becomes conditioned to use these pathways again. This increases the probability that when one specific neuron is fired it will send a neurotransmitter to a certain other neuron. In turn, the probability is increased that when we experience one event or emotion, we will then react with a certain behavior. However, when we have new and different experiences, different pathways are activated. As these experiences are repeated, the brain activity shifts and this new pathway becomes the one most likely to be used. In this way, our experiences shape the activity in our brains. And because science can now measure neuronal activity, we are able to see that our brains are capable of changing throughout our lifetime.
Let’s look at an example of this. A young child gains information about the world and relationships through his or her experiences. We now know that this directly impacts the brain. Imagine a young boy named Rob who, like all of us, looks to his parents for love and attention. However, Rob’s parents don’t respond to him. In fact, Rob is largely ignored by his parents. In order to get their attention, Rob tries more dramatic behavior: being naughty. This gets his parent’s attention, but it is negative attention in the form of scolding, shaming, and punishment. So, inside Rob’s brain, pathways between wanting attention and misbehaving are activated. Because this happens repeatedly, these pathways become deeply ingrained. Rob grows up with a physiological ‘connection’ in his brain between getting attention and misbehaving. You can imagine how this shows up in his life when he’s a teen!
The good news, now supported by neuroscience, is that our brain is changeable and new connections can be formed in the brain. Fortunately for Rob, he becomes involved in a relationship with a person whose brain has a connection between wanting attention and getting it in healthy ways (asking for it, being loving to elicit it, et cetera). Rob finds that when he uses these healthy ways, he gets the attention he craves. As a result, the old neuronal pathway becomes ‘pruned’ and a new one is created. Over time, this new pathway becomes ingrained and the more probable one the brain will use when Rob has a need for attention. Not only did he change his behavior and learn to do things differently, but his brain has changed as well.
Just as Rob changed his behavior and neuronal pathways, you can too. Neuroscience supports the theory that you can learn new behaviors, break habits and find new ways of interacting to get what you need. This holds true in your personal life, friendships, work relationships and your marriage. As it did in Rob’s relationship, your relationship or marriage can actually help heal you. So can working with a therapist you trust. Together, you can introduce new, healthier behaviors and reinforce new pathways in your brain. You are not destined to keep repeating old patterns. You have the ability to change so that you can live the life you deserve and have the close, loving relationship that you desire.
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