Don’t be Misled By the Stuff in Your Head

Have you ever heard the quote “When you assume, you make an ‘ass’ out of ‘u’ and ‘me’”? When I first heard this, I cracked up because I knew it was true. We all have a tendency to let our imaginations take over as we invent stories and explanations for other people’s behavior. While the basis for these imaginings is founded in the reality of what we actually saw or heard, our assumptions are not always entirely correct. In fact, many times these assumptions get us into a lot of difficulty that could otherwise be avoided. When we let conjectures and speculation go unchecked in our personal lives, they can grow bigger and affect how we are feeling. Grudges, resentments, and misunderstandings build and build until relationships feel strained beyond repair.
It might start with a small comment. For example, imagine that your neighbor says to you, “Thanks for asking me over for pizza. Not this week. Maybe some other time.” You may take it to mean your neighbor doesn’t really want to be with you and is putting you off. Then later when you talked to her she may have said, “You have a big dog and she scares me. I’m embarrassed about that and didn’t want to tell you.” In this case, your initial assumption (that she was putting you off) was way off the mark. Unfortunately, instead of clarifying the situation immediately, you spent time needlessly worrying whether you had inadvertently offended your neighbor or whether she just didn’t like you.
In order to avoid this type of miscommunication, it’s important that you stop yourself before your mind takes over the situation. Pay attention to the thoughts you are having and consider whether they are based in reality or whether they are speculations colored by your emotions. Recognize that your interpretation of things is just one meaning. Assumptions are just one meaning: yours. Perhaps the person had a completely different reason for saying or doing what they did. Tell someone you trust, such as your therapist, a friend, or your spouse about what it is that your are assuming. Talking to one of these individuals will show you that there are different possible meanings to what was said. Ideally, though, the best way to get the truth is to talk to the person directly by saying, “When you did/said that, I took it to mean… Is that what you meant?” You won’t know for certain unless you ask. Although it may be challenging at times, the gold hidden here is the chance for a deeper, more real, relationship with that person. And that’s worth trying for.