Monday, December 22, 2008

Changing Our Brains: What Neuroscience Teaches Us

Are our brains changeable? What occurs in the mind when we learn? How do experiences impact our brain? With the help of modern science, we’ve found the answers to some of these questions - and the answers have amazing implications for our interpersonal relationships. Neuroscience illustrates how our brains learn the things that our parents teach us and how the behavior that they model impacts our thought processes and reactions. The physiological effects that emotional experiences and attachment (the ability of a loved one to perceive and respond to our emotions) have on the brain are apparent. We can actually see how our mental processes are shaped by our experiences. In fact, according to Daniel J. Siegel, author of The Developing Mind, “Human connections shape the neural connections from which the mind emerges.” In addition, scientists have discovered that our brains are changeable at any age. This means that we have the ability to reshape our mental processes and replace unhealthy reactions or bad habits with new, healthier behaviors at any point in our lives.
Science uses brain imaging and electroencephalograms (EEG’s) to examine activity between neurons in the brain. Neurons are cells that send and receive electro-chemical signals to and from the brain and nervous system. These signals transmit information. Thus, the mind is created out of the physical form of neurons transmitting these signals. Each neuron has an average of ten thousand connections that link it directly to other neurons. The neurons send out electrical impulses that release neurotransmitters. The neurotransmitters travel through the spaces between neurons (synapses), to other neurons, activating them. As one neuron affects another and another, pathways are created. The information we have gleaned from our experiences activates certain pathways between neurons. When we have repeated experiences, certain pathways are strengthened and the brain becomes conditioned to use these pathways again. This increases the probability that when one specific neuron is fired it will send a neurotransmitter to a certain other neuron. In turn, the probability is increased that when we experience one event or emotion, we will then react with a certain behavior. However, when we have new and different experiences, different pathways are activated. As these experiences are repeated, the brain activity shifts and this new pathway becomes the one most likely to be used. In this way, our experiences shape the activity in our brains. And because science can now measure neuronal activity, we are able to see that our brains are capable of changing throughout our lifetime.
Let’s look at an example of this. A young child gains information about the world and relationships through his or her experiences. We now know that this directly impacts the brain. Imagine a young boy named Rob who, like all of us, looks to his parents for love and attention. However, Rob’s parents don’t respond to him. In fact, Rob is largely ignored by his parents. In order to get their attention, Rob tries more dramatic behavior: being naughty. This gets his parent’s attention, but it is negative attention in the form of scolding, shaming, and punishment. So, inside Rob’s brain, pathways between wanting attention and misbehaving are activated. Because this happens repeatedly, these pathways become deeply ingrained. Rob grows up with a physiological ‘connection’ in his brain between getting attention and misbehaving. You can imagine how this shows up in his life when he’s a teen!
The good news, now supported by neuroscience, is that our brain is changeable and new connections can be formed in the brain. Fortunately for Rob, he becomes involved in a relationship with a person whose brain has a connection between wanting attention and getting it in healthy ways (asking for it, being loving to elicit it, et cetera). Rob finds that when he uses these healthy ways, he gets the attention he craves. As a result, the old neuronal pathway becomes ‘pruned’ and a new one is created. Over time, this new pathway becomes ingrained and the more probable one the brain will use when Rob has a need for attention. Not only did he change his behavior and learn to do things differently, but his brain has changed as well.
Just as Rob changed his behavior and neuronal pathways, you can too. Neuroscience supports the theory that you can learn new behaviors, break habits and find new ways of interacting to get what you need. This holds true in your personal life, friendships, work relationships and your marriage. As it did in Rob’s relationship, your relationship or marriage can actually help heal you. So can working with a therapist you trust. Together, you can introduce new, healthier behaviors and reinforce new pathways in your brain. You are not destined to keep repeating old patterns. You have the ability to change so that you can live the life you deserve and have the close, loving relationship that you desire.

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Successful Marriage: Together Out of Love, Not Insecurity

What do some couples have that other couples don’t? Successful couples are together out of love. They enjoy being with each other. They genuinely like spending time with their spouse. They may do some activities together that they both enjoy. They may feel safe and secure when their spouse is around. They may look forward to being intimate and sexual with each other. They may like talking and listening to one another.
Most relationships start in Romantic Love. In this first stage, couples come together because they are in love and because they love being with this person. Yet, even then, they were together because of how the other made them feel. This new boyfriend or girlfriend made them feel loved, cherished, desired, elated, and ecstatic. Other feelings were alleviated or disappeared: loneliness, isolation, feeling unloved, unwanted, or afraid. In this stage, we are not only in love with our new partner, we are in love with how we feel.
As I’ve written about before, Romantic Love fades and all relationships move into the next stage. Imago Relationship Therapy calls the next stage the Power Struggle. Here, the high of being in love has worn off. The couple has their first fight or begins to feel some of those difficult feelings again: loneliness, isolation, unloved, unwanted, and/or afraid. Each person’s old defenses come back and each person may react by blaming, shaming or criticizing or with silence or withdrawal. Couples who choose to explore what these conflicts are about move into the next several stages: Re-Commitment, Doing the Work, Awakening, and Real Love. These are couples who stay together because of love.
Other couples remain in the Power Struggle. These couples are together, in part, to alleviate their own insecurities. Even though the relationship they’re in is incredibly difficult at times, this feels preferable to feelings connected to insecurity: fear, loneliness, isolation, powerlessness, and shame. This can show up in a number of ways. Perhaps your spouse provides financially, so you remain to avoid the fear of being poor and deprived. Perhaps your partner cares for you by keeping the house or preparing the meals, so you remain to avoid having to learn to do these things for yourself. Perhaps your concerned that family or friends or your community would frown on divorce, so you stay in the marriage to avoid feeling ashamed. Perhaps you feel physically safe living with someone, so you stay to avoid living alone and fearing for your safety. Perhaps you like having a sexual partner, so you stay to avoid having no rewarding sexual outlet or to avoid dating again. Perhaps your spouse brings you social status, so you stay to avoid isolation or anonymity.
Are you in your relationship, in part, to avoid feeling these things? If you ended the relationship would you feel ashamed, lonely, afraid, or uncared for? If you entered couples therapy and were willing to explore these conflicts with your spouse, would you feel scared of, vulnerable in front of, and/or angry with your spouse?
As the gifted therapist Chloe Madanes wrote, “The couple has to make the shift from wanting to be together because it helps each partner with their difficulties to wanting to be together because they enjoy one another.” Couples therapy helps couples shift from being together out of their own insecurities to being together out of love. Couples therapy is a chance to explore what you are concerned or insecure about. Many couples find that just saying out loud what their concern is alleviates its intensity. It just doesn’t sound as bad as they told themselves it would be. Plus, by saying it aloud, the concern comes into your conscious awareness where it can be effectively dealt with. Each person then moves to finding a way to take care of themselves or rely on others, not only the spouse, to get this concern met. This process, together with another important feature of Imago Relationship Therapy: increasing fun and appreciation, shifts couples to being together because they genuinely like begin with one another. Enjoying one another is an important feature of a successful marriage.